You like her too much
January 14, 2010 by ABDada · Leave a Comment
An interesting private message hit my Facebook today from someone who is starting to read this site:
I recently started dating a woman and I can’t keep my mind off of her. I don’t think she likes me as much as I like her. What is the right thing to do?
Maybe you’re in the same boat. Maybe you’ve been in that same boat. Here’s a little story:
A guy meet a gal, she’s beautiful, she seems into him, they go out on a date. Maybe they go out on two dates in 1 week, or even 3. He texts her, and she writes back right away. He emails her, and she emails back. They become Facebook friends and he sees that she has 750 guy friends on there all posting on her wall or replying to her inane status updates. Whenever he’s not with her, he thinks about her. He checks to see if she’s on Google or Facebook Chat, and the minute she’s on, he sends her a message. He tells her he misses her and is excited to see her. They go out whenever she is free, and if she proposes a date, he clears his plans with friends or other people just to see her.
And then she stops responding to his text messages promptly. His long missive emails go unreplied to, or she just sends him a short one sentence reply to a 500 sentence chapter of a romance novel. She doesn’t reply to his chats because she’s never logging into Google or Facebook. When he invites her out, she has other plans. Maybe he’ll see her photo tagged on Facebook with 3 other guys moments before she untags herself.
What happened? Was liking her too much a problem?
No. You can never like someone too much, but you can kill a woman’s desire grade for you by showing her how much you like her. Early on, when they first met, she had a high desire grade towards him because she knew nothing about him. She didn’t own him, so she chased and let him chase her. But over time, quicker rather than later, she captured more and more information about him and then realized she won: she owned him. All her wonderful feelings she was feeling: fear that he had 15 girlfriends, fear that he didn’t find her attractive, fear that he would be too busy for her, fear that he didn’t like her enough: they all went in the toilet.
It’s not a mystery, women actually LIKE feeling those feelings. If a guy has 15 women chasing him, she wants to win by being #1 and kicking all the gals to the curb. The minute she knows you’re owned by her, she has no reason to chase; the mystery is gone. If a guy responds to every email or text or chat request instantly, she knows he’s not that busy. Again, she wins, she owns him. If he jumps at the chance to see her whenever she is free, she won again: he’s not busy, or whatever he had planned is less important than her. Another win for the lady, another loss for Mr. Chicken-man.
As always, it boils down to her desire grade for you. When she still offers to accept your dates on occasion, but not always, it means you’ve fallen way below the B- desire grade level minimum, maybe as far as a D-. Any more hiccups and she’ll end it, probably without telling you.
So what do you do to keep her desire grade high? Don’t let her win. It’s not a game for you, but it’s a game for her. Stop playing her game. Don’t spend every waking moment with her. There’s no need to be in a rush to respond to her emails or chats or texts instantly, because you have other things going on, right? Do you want to be one more throwaway guy friend on her Facebook that tries to get her attention, or do you want to be the guy she’s thinking about, wondering about, worrying about?
Anything she texts you to tell you about, email you about, chat with you about, just give her the honest truth: you want to hear about it, so make plans to see her face to face so she can have your full attention. Do you want your entire dating history to be a series of texts, chats and emails, or do you want to date a woman who you actually know because you can see her, read her, gauge if she has a high desire grade for you or a low one?
It’s OK to like her a lot, but it’s not OK to let her know that by being too available, by being too responsive too quickly, and by giving her all the information to know that you’re just like every other chicken-man she’s dated before you. Let her win, and she’ll walk. It’s her game, but you don’t have to play by her rules. Stop playing entire and follow my rules and you’ll see that she’ll continue to chase you, through months or years of dating, or even courtship or marriage. There’s no need to play games, not when you know that the reality is that she wants to chase someone forever. Maybe that person will be you.
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