The first date, coffee or tea

When you’ve met someone, in real life, online or a blind date through friends, the most important things you want to do on a first date is to gauge her initial desire grade towards you.  A first date is not about learning much about her, but about seeing if she likes you.  The fact that you’re taking her out means you have at least a B-level grade desire towards her, so it’s more important to use this article as a guide to see if she’s worth taking out on a second date.

A first date should be called that: a date.  Don’t call it a “meeting” or a “meet and greet” to her.  You’re letting her know what you’re looking for by calling it a date.  If she has a single word of doubt towards it, and says so, cancel the date.  You don’t need to take out a woman who is uncertain about you, even if she’s never met you before.  A woman who is adverse to dating is not someone you want to chase.

The first date should be something safe for her, quiet, not involving alcohol or too intimate of a location.  I prefer the coffee shop or the tea house.  Do your research before taking a woman out to a local coffee spot: you don’t want it filled with too many people, try to avoid places with live music or loud recorded music.  A place with some couches or at least chairs that are near each other is perfect.  Don’t do restaurants with booth style seating where you sit across from each other.

Because it’s a first date, my rule about picking her up does not have to be followed.  She doesn’t know you, and even if you have years of history together it’s better to make her feel safe by giving her the option of bailing if she’s unsure about you.  There’s nothing wrong with a woman showing her low desire grade by calling it a night early and leaving.  Better now than 5 years from now when she takes your house, car, kids and bank account.

Plan the timing of your date where you know you can be there on time.  Men who are late are not attractive, even if some women might have a high desire grade for guys who treat them badly.  Those women are attracted to vulture-men, and you’re not going to be that guy.  Be on time, not too early or too late.

Once you meet, keep your paws off of her.  Don’t go in for a hug or a handshake or any sort of bodily touch.  Don’t even put your hand on her back or her arm or shoulder.  Avoid touching her as if she had the plague.  This is an important step because it accomplishes a few things:

1. It shows her that you respect her personal space,
2. If she has a really high desire grade towards you, she’ll make physical contact,
3. It gives you the opportunity to watch her body language.

When you sit next to her, make sure you sit close enough to her that you’re within easy reach.  Don’t sit across a table, sit down at the chair one space over, or on the couch next to her.  Like the old Seinfeld and Zoolander joke, most guys can only face one direction and be able to pay attention.  In my studies, right-handed men face right better, left-handed men face left better.  Pick your spot based on your comfort direction.

Immediately upon entering the room, and from that point forward, if you see her, make eye contact with her and keep it.  Don’t be looking left or right or up or down because it’ll be a subconscious signal to her that you’re nervous, lying, or you don’t want to be there.  Locking eyes with her will actually put her at ease and show her that you’re confident.

It’s a first date, it’s coffee or tea, and it’s cheap.  Sit her down before you order anything.  Because it’s not going to be an expensive date, offer to buy her a coffee or tea.  Get her order, repeat it 5 times in your head, and go get it.  If she’s in your view when you’re at the counter, take a glance over to her and smile if she looks back.  Don’t hold that look, just get the smile if you can.  If she’s not facing you, don’t worry about it.  A smile adds comfort, but it also confirms your confidence level to her.

You’ve brought her the $5 drink of her choice, and you’re sitting next to her.  Your part of the date is practically over.  My old quote is “You can tell if she’s worth a second date within the first 8 minutes of a first date.”  You’re almost at the 8 minute mark, all you need to do is get her conversation going.  Notice I said her conversation.  This isn’t about you, today, it’s about you gauging her desire level.  Also remember that first date conversation is when you’ll first witness her Ladyjargon, so don’t take everything at face value that she says.

Avoid any topics that might bring in sad or sexual conversation into the fold.  Don’t talk about work or ex-boyfriends, don’t talk about how much you like her, don’t talk about a recent illness or a fight you’re having with your roommate.  Instead, just make questions that she can answer with variety.  Avoid yes or no questions completely.  It’s better to say “Have you lived in the city long?” rather than “Do you live alone?”  Let her build up on your questions with her own answers.  LISTEN.  Everything she talks about should lead you into new things for her to discuss.

If she asks you any questions, answer them promptly and without much detail.  The questions she’ll ask you can often times be projection.  She wants you to ask those same questions of her, but she also wants to talk more than you talk.  Even if you’re a bad listener, just shut up.  If I start to overtalk, I’ll tap my own knee with my fingers 5 times slowly to gauge when I should shut up.  If I answer any questions of hers, I will always end with a new question for her to answer.

If you let her talk more, her desire grade will go up.  You’re a listener and not a bragger.  She can open up to you about things and not have you walk all over her voice.  Eye contact is so important.  Your body language is, too.  Keep your hands on the table or your lap, not in a pocket or crossed across your chest.  I prefer having my hands on the table, giving her easy reach of my arms if she wants to casually touch them when she laughs or asks me something.  You’re fishing for signals from her, so don’t block yourself off to the best signals.

Watch her body language: are her eyes on you and not that hot, tall, skinny coffee server?  Is she nodding her head?  Is her body positioned to face yours, or away from yours?

You’re not looking for a 10 hour first date, you’re looking for an hour, tops.  This is the hardest thing for me as a man to do if I’m having fun.  I want to sit with her for 4 hours to try to confirm that she likes me, but there’s no way of knowing on date #1 if she really has a truly high desire grade for you.  Her desire will increase after she leaves and wonders about you.  If you stay too long, she won’t wonder, and date#2 won’t happen.

After your coffee is done, if you still have time left in that hour, ask if she wants another drink or water.  Get something size small if possible, because you’re going to want to bail at the hour mark.  The best time to bail is when she’s having fun, smiling, talking, making eye contact.  If she’s touched you (while laughing, going to the bathroom, or just talking), you’ve got a live one.  Reel her in by ending the date earlier than most guys do.  If she has to get back to work in an hour, end the date at 40 minutes.

This will make her wonder about you.  She’ll have good questions, and she’ll have nervous ones for herself.  This is good; the more she thinks about you once you leave, the more likely you are to have a second date.

I always try to get a very simple and prudish kiss on the lips when I leave.  I’ll let her know I had fun and I’d like to get going since I have other plans I have to do.  Don’t be specific about those plans, even if they’re just to go home and wash dishes.  Let her wonder.  If she says she had fun and she’d like to do it again, smile, lock eyes, move your face in towards her and if she doesn’t turn her face, just give her a light smooch on the lips.  No tongue or hand holding or head holding is needed.  If she turns her head, it’s not that she’s a prude or that she moves slowly, she doesn’t like you enough, friend.

Then leave.  Exit and keep on moving.  Don’t look back, no matter how much you want to.  If you leave with her, remember that your date is over so there’s no need to share anything.  Make her wonder what you’re thinking!

Here’s a big rule, too: DO NOT TEXT OR EMAIL HER TO SAY ANYTHING.  I like to see if her desire grade is at the A-level if she texts me first or emails me first to say she had fun or she wants to see me again.  If she doesn’t, it means she’s not at the A-level, and I have to decide if I want to risk what little time I have seeing a woman who isn’t already thinking about me after an hour of coffee.

Remember, the first date is not about you, it’s about her: you want to see if she likes you enough, and you want to create more reason for her to like you.  Don’t do what you think she wants you to do.  Don’t do what other guys do, you’re trying to meet her aspects of dating supply and demand that are rare from other guys.  You’re different.  You’re a man.  You have your act together, and you know for years you’ve chased women who were never really that interested in you.  Now it’s time to find one that is.

No related posts.