Don’t fake it, do it.

The past 2 weeks have been communication hell for me. While I am happy to mentor to the future men of the world, I also spend a lot of time with the females as well — not just dating. I’ve always been attracted to open communications with women of all sorts (friends, family, clients, lovers, ex-lovers, etc). It’s amazing how much I’ve learned by hearing what women complain about and cheer about the most, and then adapt my own lifestyle to counter those complaints and enhance the cheering.

The past 2 weeks have been hectic because of Valentine’s Day, a day ignored by single guys and hated by many single gals.  Whether it’s a dame that just got out of a relationship and doesn’t have a solid lead on a new one, or someone who has been out of the game for a long time and is facing that reality because of all the red hearts and flowery cardboard advertisements everywhere, it’s a time period where I spend a lot of time responding to emails, Facebook messages, chat requests and texts, not counting even the phone calls and face-time I’ve also invested giving a friend an ear.

Sometimes the Valentine’s Day-initiated talks aren’t about females complaining about not having a guy or hating the guy they’re with, but with them complaining about how the men they’re into are frustrating them by not being 100% available 100% of the time they’re “needed.”  This, my friends, is just another ladyjargon trap.  Part of the chemistry of ladyjargon can only be understood when you dig deeper into a significant woman’s psychological subconscious protective measure: she needs to put every male through an ongoing testosterone trial process to prove that he really is the man that he displays himself as.  It’s not done consciously, and it’s definitely an area that the vast majority of female readers complain about the most.

When a male approaches a female as a hawk man, he’s displaying determination, he’s keeping his opinions and values and actions private, and he’s leading the direction of the relationship.  This is something that women want (not all females, just the solid women).  Still, it’s important to a woman that she not get tricked into dating a fake man, a chicken, so her mind will subconsciously create these testosterone trials (usually without thinking of them at all) to see if she can trip the guy up and make him the doormat that most males are.  Men are not doormats, boys are.  A woman who wants a determined and secure man to provide for her external needs is one who knows that many chickens fake the attributes of a hawk, so these testosterone trials are very important.

When it comes to determination, I’ve always been a fan of a man faking it until it becomes part of him.  Faking determination breeds some success, enough so that the male becomes a truly determined man just because he sees that there’s nothing to be afraid of in life.  Passing over from the shy and weak boy to the determined and secure man is an eye-opening experience.  Men always know when it happened in their lives, and it’s a change that they hope will never revert.  Yet while faking determination to become determined is acceptable, faking other important virtues of being a man will be counter-productive or even destructive.

One female friend of mine complains that her man is busy often.  She’ll text him to say hello but he won’t respond instantly.  She’ll invite him over for a last minute dinner or movie, but he’ll already have plans.  She verbalizes hating these virtues of her man, but if he had fulfilled her requests and responded instantly or canceled/changed plans to see her with short notice, he would fail that testosterone trial her psyche set him up for.  Her desire grade level would fall a tiny bit each time, until he entered doormat mode and he’ll lose any hope of continuing a relationship with her.

What are the virtues of a determined and secure man that spin the women’s brains into control/possession mode?  There are many:

1. The man is busy doing other things with other people, or alone.
2. The man doesn’t drop what he is doing to respond to her communication initiations.
3. The man obviously has pleasures outside of her, usually in ways she can not match.
4. The man provides a schedule that fits his hectic lifestyle, not her available time.  He demands that she make herself available for his schedule more often than he changes his schedule to meet hers.
5. The man displays with conviction that his time away from her can be more important for him than his time with her.
6. The man isn’t afraid to say no to her requests, especially if they’re about things he’d rather not do or is incapable of appreciating.
7. The man won’t justify his actions, ever.
8. The man won’t ask for approval, ever.
9. The man won’t brag or share what he’s doing unless he’s asked, and even then he doesn’t have to give up full details.

The list can go on and on, but that’s a subset of what it takes to “win” the testosterone trial of a woman’s request for attention, her demand to be number one in his life.  She’s not.  She can never be.  Men have been hurt before by giving up what they love and need and want for a woman’s sake, and he will never do that again.  The man knows there are plenty of single and amazing women in the world, but there are very few determined and secure men.  The economics of dating say that part of what makes him desirable to women is exactly this: she can not twist him down to walk on him.  A man is a man because of what he does for himself to make himself better.

So that leads us to the meat of this article: what are you doing, men, to find things in your life that fulfill you and make you a better person for yourself?  What does your typical week look like outside of work?

Do you (a) sit at home on the couch playing video games or watch TV, or do you (b) provide time for a hobby that you love?

Do you (a) go out with your male friend(s) weekly, or do you (b) only see your male friends when it’s OK with your female(s)?

Do you (a) constantly challenge yourself to enhance your knowledge, abilities and experience, or (b) believe that you don’t have enough time, money, or female-approval for always learning and living?

If you answered (b) to ANY of these questions, you have to make a change today.  Something as simple as beginning a training program for martial arts, guitar lessons, drawing class, or tennis is enough.  It starts a schedule that you have to stick to, that you will not break for anything short of a life-or-death emergency.  Having a schedule is a key element to learning that you don’t have to make an excuse for anything.  Maybe you’ll start out answering her testosterone trials with “But you know I have a cooking class at 7pm tonight,” yet eventually you’ll just answer “I’m busy.”  There’s no need to give details because her psyche doesn’t want them.

In fact, with you learning to whittle pinewood derby cars rather than sit on the couch and watch Glee with her, she’s going to get mad.  She’s going to pace, maybe she’ll send me an email moaning about how busy you are.  Do you realize this is a good thing?  The fact that she’s thinking about you is all that matters to you.  It doesn’t matter if she’s happy or sad, angry or perplexed: as long as you’re on her mind, you’ve answered her testosterone trial without verbalizing an actual answer.  You’ve passed with flying colors, gold ribbons, and a A+ scrawled on your forehead.

So what are you doing this week that keeps you busy, learning, experience and  enjoying the man you are?  Do you answer to anyone about what it is you’re doing?  Do you still have evenings where you’re sitting on the couch or at the computer, doing nothing?  This needs to change.  Guitar lessons can be as cheap as $20 a week.  I’ve found horseback riding lessons for $35 a week.  I met a guy who offers archery lessons in his large basement for $60 a month (4 visits).  There’s so much you can do to decrease your lazy and over-available time on a small budget, even the unemployed man can jump in and get busy with his downtime.  Scheduling these events is important — if you try to fake it or lie about it, you’ll get caught during the next testosterone trial her mind shoots off, and it’ll be worse than if you dropped everything you were doing and ran over to her place to watch Glee.

Get to it, gents, and share your favorite hobbies and learning courses below in the comments section.

Related posts:

1. Next Step: Is she thankful after dates?
2. The Duality of a Woman’s Brain
3. Horseback Riding / Equestrian
4. Hypergamy, Competition, Value Added Dating
5. Next Step: Responding to your Conversation Initiations