Romance versus Ownership
January 18, 2010 by ABDada · Leave a Comment
A regular reader of BAM here asked me a pretty strong question the other day: “I like all your logic in dealing with women, but what about romance?” Ahh, romance! Romance is the subject of all practically every women’s magazine cover (written by men), and every man I’ve ever talked to who likes women. The only women who I’ve actually heard anything about romance from are those who have no idea how to handle a real man, or those who fantasize about their favorite Hollywood romantic comedy.
Let me ask you a few questions:
- What is more romantic: saying “I love you” constantly, or catching the eyes of your lover and seeing them immediately smile and hold the glance?
- What is sexier: going to bed and finding your woman rolled away facing the wall, or having her touch your body with an unrequested backrub or arm caress while watching a movie?
- What makes you happier: an expensive gift on Christmas morning that you hinted at for months, or an unexpected stare followed by “Wow you’re really handsome?” when she sees you after a sweaty and frustrating day at work?
All those questions are simple to answer. It’s not always actions and it’s not always words that are romantic, sexy and smile-inspiring. It’s a combination of body language, words and context of both.
I won’t speak about romance too often because most guys have no clue what really is romantic. They think a bouquet of flowers on Valentine’s Day is romantic, or saying “I love you” back to a woman repeatedly might be romantic. In most cases, they wouldn’t know romance if it smacked them in the face. They watch the same Hollywood movies, with their engineered soundtracks and their engineered plots, and they “feel good” at the romance on the screen. Engineering romance doesn’t work, and neither do all the tricks that society pushes on us. In the end, what someone truly feels inside is what is the most romantic.
Almost all men who date a woman more than 2 or 3 dates can figure out that the woman’s desire grade is high, at least a B. Early on, all relationships have a little new relationship energy that makes us see past possible problems, hope for the next date, and think about the future. After 3 dates, though, many relationships fall apart. In all of these cases, I would put the blame squarely on the man. He’s trying to speed up the relationship by acting romantically, and all he is doing is making the woman’s desire grade towards him plummet to cavernous levels.
Women play games in dating and love, most without knowing it. The professional daters know their game, but the vast majority of amazing, attractive and responsible women have no clue. It’s important for them to play these games subconsciously, because it helps them weed out the losers from the real men. When the man moves forward to play their games, he’s adding himself to the loser list because he’ll be gone: whether it’s after date #2 or after 2 years of dating.
The game that women play is easy enough to understand: they either want to win by proving that their current guy is no different than the others, or they want to give up the game because they’ve found a man who continues to provide mystery, intrigue and chase for the woman. That’s what women are missing in life: they want to wonder about their man, they want to be truly intrigued by his life (forever!) and they want to give a little chase to keep him happy. Once a man shows a woman he’s satisfied with her, she’ll lose all 3 of these things. Even worse, most men show they’re happy when the woman is doing nothing major to make him happy. Women want to work hard for a man’s attention, but most men give up the moment they think they’ve in love.
Ownership is a simple word to define: the woman has the human equivalent of a puppy dog. She’s hungry, he’ll fetch her food; she’s thirsty, he’ll bring her a drink; she’s bored, he’ll jump at the chance to come over and try to thrill her. Maybe she’s dressed in her Saturday morning sweats with no makeup, unshowered for 2 days, and he’ll still paw at her like a dog in heat. What’s the point of working hard if she owns that guy? What’s the point of chasing if she’s already won? The minute a new, interesting and mysterious man comes into her life, that D-level desire grade will fall to an F, and the guy will be flabbergasted at how he lost her.
It’s important for a man never to fall victim to a woman’s desire to own him. It may take an entire lifelong relationship for him to prove to her that he’s still an individual, still mysterious and still intriguing to her, but it’s a lifelong relationship that will be full of chase, a high desire grade, and romance. When a woman isn’t assured that she owns the man, she’ll act it out by actually doing things to attract him: she’ll dress better, spend time doing her hair and makeup every time he comes over, and push him with questions about what he’s been up to, who he’s been with, and what does he want. This isn’t a game men play consciously, it’s a game women play subconsciously because if they don’t own you, they’re thinking of ways to get there.
That’s why keeping up with my rules is a lifelong task, even if you meet “the one” tomorrow and stay with her until you’re in your 90s. The entire time you’re together, you want a beautiful woman who takes care of herself, provides you with your needs, pays attention to your life, and wants to actually be with you rather than just suffer through another month until another interesting man comes along, right? You’re not going to get it if she knows she owns you.
Ignore your definition of romance; ignore your idea of what is romantic. When you have a great woman, keep her interested by not divulging every single moment of your life to her, past or present. Keep your life mysterious by downplaying your day, and focusing on hers. Keep your intrigue up by staying out of her hair whenever she calls on you.
When you do make the time to see her, on your terms, that’s romance. She knows you’re a busy guy, with friends and work and hobbies. You’re making time to see her because you like her. Distance makes the heart grow fonder, so keep yourself distant with real plans, and when you see her, it’ll be worth that much more to her.
When you are actually with her, your focus on her is what’s important, that’s romance. You’re not checking your watch or your cell phone (keep both in the car). Your eyes on on her, not on the gorgeous waitress who is flirting with you for a bigger tip. Your conversations turn to her life, her goals, her dreams, what makes her happy. If the conversation happenst to turn to you, you gently and discretely spin it back to focus on her.
When it comes to more physical intimacies, you approach her with your mouth, but she’s the one who sets the pace. That’s romance. You have no expectations, regardless of how many articles of clothing hit the floor. Her eyes see your eyes. Her hands feel your hands. Her body feels your body, that’s romance.
Romance is not the gifts you buy, or the words you speak, or the plans you make, or the dinners you buy. It’s not about you giving chase, or the compliments you give. Romance doesn’t come out of your mouth, really. It doesn’t come from your wallet. It’s not about what you’re giving her always, but what you’re giving her that she desires from you. The only way to get her to desire anything is to get her to think about you more often when you’re not around.
Most guys kill romance by being too available. Even in marriage, their wives can count on them to be home at 5pm, with no plans outside of the home. They’re bored. There’s no mystery, nothing to wonder about. That’s the key to romance, really: giving her all the actions that verify you love her without just doing things out of habit, or because you feel like you have to, or by using words to replace the actual actions that come more rarely than you’d read about in a romance novel.
Romance is not about satiating someone, it’s about providing something that isn’t obvious 24/7. The moment she knows you’re thinking about her 24/7, she owns you. Once she owns you, there’s no romance needed. She’s won, even if in reality she’s lost.
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