Don’t say sorry unless you mean it
December 9, 2009 by ABDada · Leave a Comment
It’s easy to say “I’m sorry” when something you’ve said or done has rubbed another person the wrong way, but are you really sorry? Like other common relationship phrases such as “I love you” or “You’re beautiful,” saying sorry doesn’t always generate the reaction that you think it might. When words become common and aren’t back by actions and feelings, the words lose value and can actually be counterproductive.
What if what you said or did was an honest reflection of your feelings at the time, or a need you had? Why would you be sorry? In reality, what we sometimes mean when we say we’re sorry is really “I’m sorry that you feeling this way.” Due to there being a difference between “I’m sorry that I did this” and “I’m sorry that you didn’t like me doing this,” it is more important to offer condolences to the person who felt aggrieved upon because they disagreed with something you agreed with yourself.
To offer condolences when someone feels slighted but your intention wasn’t to slight them, it’s wiser to say “It’s unfortunate that you don’t see things my way.” You can also say “I may like it, but I do understand that you don’t.” There’s no need to waste words like “I’m sorry” or “I apologize” when you don’t mean either. Some people will immediately say to me that I’m a jerk for not being more receptive to someone’s feelings, but part of a solid relationship isn’t always being aware of other people’s feelings at risk of hurting your own, but being truthful with what you want and desire. If they’re not compatible with your needs, how do you expect the relationship to blossom or even prosper at a basic level? Even worse, she might be using ladyjargon on you in order to see if she can win what may end up being a game she’s playing.
INSIGHT: A vulture will repeatedly do what she says hurts her. A chicken will say I’m sorry all the time, even if she hasn’t shown any real pain. A hawk doesn’t apologize unless he did something he knew would cause a woman pain.
When you do something that actually hurts someone and you’re learning that your actions could’ve been modified or performed differently without risk to your own needs or feelings, only then is a true apology necessary and applicable. When you use certain phrases rarely, they offer more power and value to the person receiving them. Keeping “I’m sorry” and “I love you” and “You look beautiful today” to rare instances really makes them stronger being said by you than by someone who just says them out of rote or habit.
Related posts:
