A guy’s POSITIVE guide to approaching women

A friend of mine who is a sociology Ph.D student and a good friend (who also happens to be a female I trust and admire) posted a link to an article over a year old titled “Schrödinger’s Rapist: or a guy’s guide to approaching strange women without being maced“. Written by Phaedra Starling (nom de plume), the author provides a guide for us men in how to approach a woman without giving her cause to cut and run screaming away from us. While the guide does provide some insight into the fears many women face every day, I took exception to how the guide has a lot of “don’t do” items, but relatively few “do” items. I make this same mistake in my writing, and this article has given me a good kick to try to go back over what I’ve written here and elsewhere to correct this shortcoming.

To me, saying “don’t do” something has a peculiar issue of creating forbidden fruits. “Don’t do drugs” almost makes them seem tastier. “Don’t have unprotected sex” oftentimes has people saying “I just had unprotected sex, and nothing bad happened.” It’s impossible to prove a negative: even if you do drugs and overdose, or have unprotected sex and get an STD, there’s still many time you might have done one or the other (or both at the same time) and had a positive experience out of it, causing the “don’t do” camp to appear weaker.

I’m going to go through Miss Starling’s article bit by bit to try to provide a different angle for guys, from a guy, in hopes to offer a similar desired outcome, but without all of the “don’t do” angles.

Starling starts off with the positives: do be kind to children and animals, do donate to charity, etc. This is good. These are things a man should do, and by saying “do this”, it instills in us an ability to see a positive outcome from doing a positive action.

She then goes into some particular facts about rape and society (which sadly don’t come with citations backing them up, but I’ll let that go for now). She asks how does she know that a man approaching her isn’t a rapist? Again, it’s impossible to prove a negative, so the focus here is to instead be a positive, and follow some basic guidelines each and every time you approach a woman without a formal introduction by someone she knows and trusts. By following these guidelines each and every time, you’ll have positive reinforcement when you get her phone number, or when she sits down at your table to drink coffee with you and share in some light conversation.

Starling talks about how some women, particularly ones who have been victims of violence, may not want to be approached at all, ever, by a random guy on the street. I’m sure this is true: not every woman I’ve met randomly in daily life has been all that interested in conversation, but the number for me is far lower than the 1 in 6 figure Starling blind cited in regards to women who have met violence. 1 out of 2 women I have taken out for a first date I’ve met in public, randomly, without friends or colleagues or alcohol being the reason for our introduction. Here’s how I do it, each and every time, and here’s exactly what you need to follow each and every time to make sure you reduce your chance of coming off as unwanted, scary, or “Schrödinger’s Rapist” as Starling labels the random guy saying hi in public.

The author says you shouldn’t wear a shirt that makes a joke about rape. I’ll agree with her on this one, but change it around a bit: you should only own clothes that look good on you, that are masculine in nature but not too boyish. I don’t tend to wear T-shirts in public because I prefer a good dress shirt or sweater over underwear. My t-shirts go under my dress shirts, unless I’m changing my oil, playing sports with friends, or slumming it around the house. With Target offering really clean and crisp dress shirts for $20 ($10 on the sale rack), you have no reason not to dress slightly better than then next guy over. If the women you prefer to date prefer to date boys who dress like peasants, that’s your choice, but it’s always been my goal for my students to meet women who are past that part of their lives. DO wear a nice shirt, pants that fit, clean dress shoes.

Here’s another good tidbit that Starling notes: “You want to say Hi to the cute girl on the subway. How will she react? Fortunately, I can tell you with some certainty, because she’s already sending messages to you. Looking out the window, reading a book, working on a computer, arms folded across chest, body away from you = do not disturb.” It’s another “don’t do” phrase, but it’s quite easy to turn that one around into what you SHOULD do. Women who want to be approached will send you positive signals that can mean “come over and say hi.” I approach women who smile at me, hold my eyes if I notice. If I look again and her body is turned more to face mine, and she smiles again, of course I’ll head over and say hello. DO pay attention to a woman’s body language. DO walk over and say hi if she’s smiling, making eye contact, and showing those positive signs of interest.

The author says that women who are giving signs of wanting to be left alone aren’t going to be hip to you complimenting their shoes or outfit or book she’s reading, but that’s not a big issue. I’m against giving women compliments left and right anyway (and I have yet to find a good way to say “don’t give compliments out willy nilly” as a positive “do” task, but I’m working on it).

Once you confirm that a woman is giving you at least SOME signal that she wouldn’t mind you saying hi, DO approach her in a safe way. Keep your hands out of your pockets and in front of you where she can see them. DO make sure that a woman has at least 3 exits from your approach if you’ve read her incorrectly. If she’s standing in the corner of a room with a fridge on her left and a ancient Chinese vase on her left, DO consider giving her a moment to exit that trap before you approach.

Starling continues with an actual “do” note: if a woman responds to your introduction with a single syllable, DO assume she’s not interested. My guidelines say to guys that women should respond to your initial short-and-very-quick introduction with something a little longer than yours was. This means keep your introductions as short as possible in hopes that she’ll eek out a respond that is just one word longer. “Hi, I’m Adam” is a really amazing line for me, because if she says “Hi, my name is Elaine” I know she’s there to talk a little bit more. Win!

The next section is one that kills me: Starling talks about a guy she went on one date with, for one hour, who harassed her with a dozen or so emails and continued bugging her even after she flatly said to stop contacting her. She says “don’t contact a woman who isn’t responding to your communications.” That’s good, but it’s still a negative! I prefer to say “Only respond to women who respond to you.” When a woman doesn’t send a response to your email, text, phone call or carrier pigeon letter, she’s giving you a pretty good sign that her desire grade level is too low to continue seeing her. In simplest terms, she’s lost interest in you. I’ll allow a guy ONE follow up response to make sure she’s still breathing, but that’s even too much. Have you ever sent a gal a text or email or left her a voice mail, and after you have to check your phone or gmail account every 83 seconds in hopes of a response? A woman with a high desire grade level is doing the exact same thing after she sends you a reply. If she isn’t, she’s just not that curious or intrigued with you, and you’ve already lost her. So DO only respond to women who respond to you. If they don’t send a response, DO move on. If she’s just really busy or missed your message, she WILL check in if she hasn’t heard from you in a few days, and then (and only then) DO say you sent her a text or email or voice mail or message-in-a-bottle and allow her to confirm that.

Starling finishes her missive with one final don’t: “DON’T RAPE.” Ugh. Duh? I know, some women think ALL men need to hear this. I’m going to turn that one around, because if you’re reading this, you’re not looking to be a “pick up artist” or a player or a dogger, baller, skeez, manslut, gigolo, casanova or other scummy type that 500 dating sites want you to become. You’re a decent man who wants to be a great man, and you’re looking for a great woman in your life. I’m not going to tell you “don’t rape”, but I will give you some sagely advice: DO learn her comfort signs, and DO discuss ways for a woman to show signs of discomfort rather than just saying “NO!” (which always means it).

I’ve known some gals who liked it rough in the bedroom, and sometimes brought the bedroom well outside of it. Not all women like rough play (pulling hair, smacking butts, a light choke hold or arm restraint), but some just DO. So here’s what you DO: talk about it. If you think she’s hinting at wanting a little roughness, ask her if she likes a man to be dominant. If she responds energetically, here’s step two: DO come up with a safe word so you know when she wants you to back off. With my most aggressive lover (and by aggressive I mean she really wanted me to dominate her in odd and interesting ways), we had two safe words, both dual syllabic: “easy” which means for me to back down a bit, but not shut down, and “no more” which means to back down entirely and prepare myself to be warm and cuddly when SHE wanted to approach ME. DO plan for both of these events, and DO make sure you reiterate it once in awhile so you’re both on the same page. Women like to say “no means no” but “no” is a bad word because to me, “no” means NO MORE PLEASE STOP AND GO AWAY. “Easy” and “no more” were way more communicative as to what she wants me to do, and they gave me clarity, especially in the heat of extreme passion.

So here’s the DO list, my way:

1. DO dress well when you’re out in public.
2. DO approach a woman with your hands visible, and DO make sure she has at least 3 exits to bow out through.
3. DO continue conversing if she responds to you with more than a single word. DO turn and walk away if she responds to you with negative energy or a comment about you going away.
4. DO only continue conversations with her (via text, email, phone or smoke signals) if she’s actively responding. If she doesn’t respond, give her a few days, and if you don’t hear back at all, DO stop contacting her completely.
5. DO converse with a woman you’re dating about more aggressive/dominating romance. DO create a safe word, or preferably safe words, so you know when you should back off lightly or back off entirely.

You want to be a great man, so you can and should DO these things. It’s not about what you shouldn’t do if you know what you should do. Starling’s article is good insight from a woman for men, but it’s not positive enough to create good habits and offer men external validation that their good habits works. By doing positive things with women and around women, you WILL get positive reinforcement in the form of initial conversations, first dates, and possibly amazing sex, but only if you do things properly.

Do you have a “DO this” item to add to this list, or have an issue with something I wrote?  Comment below!

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