It’s easy for us to try to run around the house before a date and try to tidy up.  Sadly, this is a terrible thing to do the day of a date, or even the week before a date that might turn into a cocktail at your place, or even a sleepover.

Women can smell housecleaner.  They can tell the difference between a rush job in the bathroom and a bathroom that is kept tidy, regularly.  The first time they see your place and smell how much Febreze and Windex you used, they may think it’s cute.  How about not being cute and just being a man, for once?

This is where having a domestic wingman comes into play.  They’re the ones who will come over once a month or so and give you a run down of all you’re not doing.  Dating requires some semblance of cleanliness, REAL cleanliness.  A woman who sees a dirty home or apartment is a woman who either wants to be your mom (the Fixer) or wants to run from you because she doesn’t want to be your mom (the Smart woman).

If you have a date tonight that might be the first time she comes over, you’re too late.  You screwed up.  She’ll know you tried to fix your nightmare of a home at the last minute, because you didn’t plan ahead.  If you have a week or more to prepare, or if there’s no one special in your life, you’re a perfect position to get things done and then stick to them regularly.

The first thing to do is to realize you’re a pig.  Unless you have obsessive-compulsive disorder, you’re living in a nightmare for a good woman.  That’s step one: accept that you live like a college kid (especially if you are one).

Step two is to look at things that aren’t dirty and growing mushrooms: clutter.  Women hate clutter, it’s a sign of men who have their lives in disorder.  Hit up any flat surface (tables, stovetops, countertops, nightstands, dressers, and even the floor) and see if there is anything that can be moved.  Pick it up immediately and hide it in the bathroom.  Now look again.  Does it look better?  If so, don’t put it back.  Books go on bookshelves, not on the top of the toilet, the nightstand, the stove or the entertainment center.  If you don’t have a bookshelf, get rid of your books.

Receipts, empty cigarette boxes, empty pizza boxes, empty beer cans (or half full ones, gross), burger wrappers and snotty Kleenex shouldn’t be anywhere to be seen.  Toss em.  Then keep at the clutter.  Do you still have things on top of flat surfaces?  See if you need them.  The toaster, the water kettle, the frying pan: all of these things should be cleaned and stored where they can’t be seen.  I’ll allow you to keep your Mr. Coffee coffee maker on your kitchen counter, but the spices and herbs should be hidden.  She knows you don’t cook that often, anyway.  The dish dryer shouldn’t be on the counter, it should be in your sink.  Oh, there’s no room there for the dish dryer?  Do your dishes and put them away.  If you have more than 2 or 3 dishes or mugs in the sink, it means you have to do ALL your dishes, not just the dirty ones.  Hand dry them with a towel, to make sure you don’t have any water spots or pieces of food sticking.  Hand drying lets you know if they’re still dirty, you lazy bastard.

Flat surfaces and the floor are free of clutter?  Good.  No, wait, there’s still stuff laying around.  GET RID OF IT.  If you can’t put it away in a clean fashion, throw it out.  Your place isn’t big enough for all that mess.  Look around one more time.  If your hands can’t cover the entire flat surface, you still haven’t done enough.  Keep at it.  Do it over a few days, so you can see if you keep replacing those clean and clutter-free surfaces with more junk.

So you got rid of your clutter, amazing!  WRONG.  Now open every cabinet, every drawer.  Kitchen, dresser, nightstand, medicine cabinet, under-bed storage, whatever can store things.  Look at that nightmare.  You know what that is?  That’s your soul.  You know that nagging feeling that you have that something in life is missing?  It’s not a woman, friend, it’s your clutter that eats at you and makes you want to explode.  Go to the smallest drawer or cabinet and empty it.  Look at the item that’s in there.  When was the last time you used it?  Put it on your bathroom floor it if it’s more than 6 months or 2 seasons.   After the smallest cabinet or drawer is organized with stuff you DO need, work your way up to the next biggest.

You’ll be amazed over a few days at what getting rid of that kitchen drawer of junk does for you.  In fact, if you have items STILL in a drawer that have holes on their ends to hang from a hook on a wall from, do that.  Go to CVS or Walgreens or Home Depot and buy those sticky hooks that you can mount nicely on a wall.  Measuring cups, spatulas, even that slotted spoon mom gave you one year: they can all be hung nicely and out of the way.  Do it.

The clutter is over, right?  Wrong.  Open your closets, Mr. Future Metrosexual (kidding) and start rummaging through that nightmare.  Your suitcase still has clothes from that Cancun vacation in 2005, right?  Put it all on the bathroom floor.  Those T-shirts you never wear, boxers that don’t look brand new, socks that used to be white?  Toss em.  If you don’t wear it regularly, save your one cheap suit for weddings, bathroom-floor it.  Shoes can be replaced for $30 at DSW, toss the cracked ones.  You’re a man, and even the best dressed version of James Bond can get by with 6 dress shirts, 5 t-shirts, 3 sweaters, 5 pairs of pants and a dozen pair of underwear and socks.  The rest is too much, friend.  What are you, anyway, a model?

Hit the laundry hamper next.  If it fits more than one load of laundry, clean it up and dump it.  Buy a tiny hamper.  That way, you’ll do your laundry regularly.  If clothes even get to NEAR the top, it’s time to get it done, pig.

All the stuff you’ve been storing on your bathroom floor?  Dump it all.  You don’t need any of it.  It’s stuff that clutters your life, your head, your soul.  Why did you buy it?  All that nightmare cost you money, and it cost you maintenance time.  It’s time for it to go.

Now it’s time to prep for real cleaning.  Remember, a woman can SMELL that you’ve used too much housecleaner when you ran around at the last minute to clean up.  My favorite thing to do is to buy some pre-moistened cleaning scrubbing towels, preferably the ones made by Lysol.  They’re rough on one side, smooth on the other, and they have a nice purple run of threads through them.  Take one, and start scrubbing your bathroom wall.  It doesn’t matter if it’s painted or tiled.  Scrub an area of about 3 square feet.  Look at the scrubbing towel now.  Dirty?  You filthy bastard, you have dust and fecal matter on your bathroom walls.  No wonder your place smells so bad.

Guess what you have to do now?  Go buy more Lysol wipes.  You’re going to need them, that container of 30 will barely dent your disgusting bathroom.  I can’t believe I thought we could be friends, what if I touched your shit-walls?  Go to town, keep scrubbing and replacing the towels as they get dirty and dry.  Get behind the toilet if you can.  Clean INSIDE of your medicine cabinet, around the faucet, behind the toilet near the floor (especially the floor, Mr. Drunk Pisser).  That cool curve under your toilet where your #1 and #2 go?  That entire area is probably covered in hair, urine, and who-knows-what.  Get it all, big guy.

If you’re cleaning and you notice that the moist wipe isn’t picking up grime, hit it again with a dry paper towel.  You’re living in that filth, you made it, so fix it.

The bathroom will take you a full evening to clean.  The tub is gross, the shower tile is gross, the floor is gross, the area under your toilet seat is gross (how did that happen?).  It’s just gross, so clean it.  You’ll be amazed at how much your love your bathroom, but give it a month and you’ll be right back to Mr. Messy Pee-pee.

Part II coming soon.  And that’s not even where your domestic wingman pays you a visit.

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