For straight men, it’s important to take the necessary information that is out in their dating market and decipher it so they can maximize their potential girlfriends’ qualities for themselves, while minimizing the frustrations that go along with any competitive task.  If a burger joint tries to open up on a strip with 20 other burger joints, they have to make themselves have the best value for the customers in that specific area.  Maybe the burger joint needs to have the cheapest burgers, or the most flavorful, or the prettiest front design, or the fastest service.  Whatever it is, taking aim at the competition and surpassing them in the way the market wants is a key element.

I live in Chicago.  I primarily date in Chicago, although I’ve never been adverse to long distance relationships as long as they don’t take over my life here in my home town.  But I’m also lucky as a straight man living in Chicago because the elements of competition are in my favor, by a long shot.

In 2007, National Geographic published a study about the composition of single people across the country.  Here’s a map of that well distributed research:

If you review the major towns, you can see an imbalance in how many single males there are versus how many single females there are. This is an important statistic as a generalization, but without breaking it down by age or sexual preference (or even body type or height or other factors of attraction), it’s not exactly perfect. Still, it can be a path to opening one’s eyes to some realities about dating that aren’t just small matters: if you don’t consider your dating market (competition of other straight males, supply of available straight females), you’re missing out on some data that other males ignore. When you want to succeed at a task, the more data you have, the better you can outfit yourself with the tools needed for success.

I’m going to use Chicago as an example in this article, because it is the city I’ve investigated the most for business relationships, platonic friendships, and physical intimacies.  My motivation has always been: this is the town I love and enjoy, this is the town that I find compatibility with.  But there are many facets of Chicago that have attracted me to it, and if it wasn’t able to fulfill me in many ways, I would gladly move.

The first thing to look at is hypergamy: to non-sociologists and anthropologists, it’s easy to call this “gold digging.”  Hypergamy means wanting to “marry up” or “date up” where your mate is higher on society’s totem pole than you.  To generalize completely, females tend to look for strong charactered men with financial stability; males tend to look for very attractive and fit women who are healthy and can bear children.  It’s not 100% defined as such, but it’s a solid generalization for me to explain the issues involved with hypergamy and society and dating.

Chicago has a few things that other urban markets in the Midwest don’t: we have a very active artistic community of painters and actors, theaters and dance troupes, music venues and even movie production houses.  While I have no hard and solid facts to back it up, I meet significantly more females who are in the creative arts industries than I do males.  Most of the females I meet have come from as far away as Ohio, Minnesota and Arkansas to try to find work in a creative arts field.  This is an important piece of information, even if it isn’t backed by hard science.

Chicago also has a huge commerce market: financial analysts, stock brokers, floor traders, insurance salesmen, pharmaceutical executives, meat and dairy distribution and processing.  These industries tend to pay fairly well, so the amount of wealthy males is higher than Milwaukee or Indianapolis or St. Louis (all urban areas).  Hypergamy can include (and often does, it seems), a desire for a woman to find a man who can support her.  Knowing that there is a higher number of financially solid men in Chicago likely attracts females from afar to compete for those men, subconsciously and consciously.

The end result is that Chicago has plenty of available females, and very few available males.  When you break down the available males into their social ranking groups of chickens, hawks and vultures, you have yet another difficult competitive problem for females: if 5% of the available males in Chicago are hawks, and the ratio of single females to single males is 2:1, you’re talking about a ratio of available females to available hawks at 40:1.  In my dating research, I can almost guarantee this number is closer to reality than not.  It means dating, for males, is easy as can be, and we don’t have to take bad attitudes from girls because the supply and demand curves fall in our favor.

When females in Chicago complain to me about the lack of available males, the answer is obvious: they want hawks, but usually end up with chickens or vultures.  Worse, because there are so many chickens and vultures around, the females don’t realize that they have to up their competitive nature to get at the hawks.  Without becoming more competitive, they will always attract the weak chickens or promiscuous vultures, neither group which has any particular standards for what they want in a woman.

So the cycle repeats itself: the oversupplied group of straight females don’t pay attention to the very low supply of available straight hawks, instead allowing themselves to be pursued temporarily by a vulture or frustratingly by a weak chicken.  Instead of upping their competitiveness (dressing nicer, living a more solid life, getting in better shape, presenting themselves in a way that would attract a solid hawk), they just accept their frustration and never venture out of the chicken and vulture nests.

I used to have sympathy, pity.  I don’t anymore.  Even when women I date are also dating a chicken or a vulture, I don’t get in the way, I rarely try to give them any advice until they ask — it’s a tough market for females, even tougher for immature or unhealthy or social outcast females.  Don’t open a burger joint on a street with 50 others if you can’t compete.  Don’t think you can find an amazing man unless you’re willing to do better than the 39 other females who are chasing the same guy in your town.

But that’s Chicago — plenty of females, very few males, even fewer hawks.  What about San Francisco where the tables are turned?  Even in this case, it doesn’t matter.  Let’s say that the tables were turned in excess: 4 available males for every 1 available female.  I have no actual data to back this up, so I’m throwing it in the females’ favor.  Even with a 4:1 ratio, once you take out the chickens and vultures, you’re left with 5% of the males being hawks, real men.  Now that 4:1 ratio falls again to 1:5.  For every 1 solid, date-worthy and confident hawk, there are 5 females.  While it may not be a 40:1 “even beggars can be choosers” market, 5:1 isn’t bad.  It still means that guys, even in the most competitive dating market in the country, have no reason to be single, and even less reason to be dating someone who does not meet your needs or fulfill you.

In Chicago, I’ve been on plenty of first dates.  First dates are fun, but they’re only about one thing: testing the boundaries of chemistry, while also seeing if the female I asked out is really a woman, or if she’s just an unstable girl.  Knowing that other options exist if this one doesn’t meet my standards allows me to not fall head-over-heels for someone who only wants to bring pain to my life.  Yet I still see plenty of guy friends of mine accepting someone less than amazing — I see female friends of mine continue to go out with obvious vultures or chickens.

What’s the reason for this?  The people on both sides are not considering the dating market.  It’s irrelevant to them, they think they can mold anyone they go out with to their standards, rather than looking for incompatibilities first, and then trying to find where they’re compatible in terms of what needs they’re missing from other (intimate and non-intimate) relationships.

It’s a losing battle in business to try to get into an industry without doing your research, without reviewing the competition, without considering supply and demand issues.  Dating is no different, dating is a market, it’s an economy, and if you want to maximize your profit (“happiness, needs fulfilled, reduced stress and frustrations”) you have to do everything you can to compete within your market, or move to a market where you can succeed better.

For me, I will continue to make sure all of my needs are fulfilled by finding ways to increase my value to the supply of females I would date.  This is why I set standards for how I act and how I treat people: to continuously adapt my failures into successes, and to hone my successes as sharply as possible.

Agree or disagree?  Have thoughts?  I appreciate your comments, criticisms and questions below.

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The past 2 weeks have been hectic because of Valentine’s Day, a day ignored by single guys and hated by many single gals.  Whether it’s a dame that just got out of a relationship and doesn’t have a solid lead on a new one, or someone who has been out of the game for a long time and is facing that reality because of all the red hearts and flowery cardboard advertisements everywhere, it’s a time period where I spend a lot of time responding to emails, Facebook messages, chat requests and texts, not counting even the phone calls and face-time I’ve also invested giving a friend an ear.

Sometimes the Valentine’s Day-initiated talks aren’t about females complaining about not having a guy or hating the guy they’re with, but with them complaining about how the men they’re into are frustrating them by not being 100% available 100% of the time they’re “needed.”  This, my friends, is just another ladyjargon trap.  Part of the chemistry of ladyjargon can only be understood when you dig deeper into a significant woman’s psychological subconscious protective measure: she needs to put every male through an ongoing testosterone trial process to prove that he really is the man that he displays himself as.  It’s not done consciously, and it’s definitely an area that the vast majority of female readers complain about the most.

When a male approaches a female as a hawk man, he’s displaying determination, he’s keeping his opinions and values and actions private, and he’s leading the direction of the relationship.  This is something that women want (not all females, just the solid women).  Still, it’s important to a woman that she not get tricked into dating a fake man, a chicken, so her mind will subconsciously create these testosterone trials (usually without thinking of them at all) to see if she can trip the guy up and make him the doormat that most males are.  Men are not doormats, boys are.  A woman who wants a determined and secure man to provide for her external needs is one who knows that many chickens fake the attributes of a hawk, so these testosterone trials are very important.

When it comes to determination, I’ve always been a fan of a man faking it until it becomes part of him.  Faking determination breeds some success, enough so that the male becomes a truly determined man just because he sees that there’s nothing to be afraid of in life.  Passing over from the shy and weak boy to the determined and secure man is an eye-opening experience.  Men always know when it happened in their lives, and it’s a change that they hope will never revert.  Yet while faking determination to become determined is acceptable, faking other important virtues of being a man will be counter-productive or even destructive.

One female friend of mine complains that her man is busy often.  She’ll text him to say hello but he won’t respond instantly.  She’ll invite him over for a last minute dinner or movie, but he’ll already have plans.  She verbalizes hating these virtues of her man, but if he had fulfilled her requests and responded instantly or canceled/changed plans to see her with short notice, he would fail that testosterone trial her psyche set him up for.  Her desire grade level would fall a tiny bit each time, until he entered doormat mode and he’ll lose any hope of continuing a relationship with her.

What are the virtues of a determined and secure man that spin the women’s brains into control/possession mode?  There are many:

1. The man is busy doing other things with other people, or alone.
2. The man doesn’t drop what he is doing to respond to her communication initiations.
3. The man obviously has pleasures outside of her, usually in ways she can not match.
4. The man provides a schedule that fits his hectic lifestyle, not her available time.  He demands that she make herself available for his schedule more often than he changes his schedule to meet hers.
5. The man displays with conviction that his time away from her can be more important for him than his time with her.
6. The man isn’t afraid to say no to her requests, especially if they’re about things he’d rather not do or is incapable of appreciating.
7. The man won’t justify his actions, ever.
8. The man won’t ask for approval, ever.
9. The man won’t brag or share what he’s doing unless he’s asked, and even then he doesn’t have to give up full details.

The list can go on and on, but that’s a subset of what it takes to “win” the testosterone trial of a woman’s request for attention, her demand to be number one in his life.  She’s not.  She can never be.  Men have been hurt before by giving up what they love and need and want for a woman’s sake, and he will never do that again.  The man knows there are plenty of single and amazing women in the world, but there are very few determined and secure men.  The economics of dating say that part of what makes him desirable to women is exactly this: she can not twist him down to walk on him.  A man is a man because of what he does for himself to make himself better.

So that leads us to the meat of this article: what are you doing, men, to find things in your life that fulfill you and make you a better person for yourself?  What does your typical week look like outside of work?

Do you (a) sit at home on the couch playing video games or watch TV, or do you (b) provide time for a hobby that you love?

Do you (a) go out with your male friend(s) weekly, or do you (b) only see your male friends when it’s OK with your female(s)?

Do you (a) constantly challenge yourself to enhance your knowledge, abilities and experience, or (b) believe that you don’t have enough time, money, or female-approval for always learning and living?

If you answered (b) to ANY of these questions, you have to make a change today.  Something as simple as beginning a training program for martial arts, guitar lessons, drawing class, or tennis is enough.  It starts a schedule that you have to stick to, that you will not break for anything short of a life-or-death emergency.  Having a schedule is a key element to learning that you don’t have to make an excuse for anything.  Maybe you’ll start out answering her testosterone trials with “But you know I have a cooking class at 7pm tonight,” yet eventually you’ll just answer “I’m busy.”  There’s no need to give details because her psyche doesn’t want them.

In fact, with you learning to whittle pinewood derby cars rather than sit on the couch and watch Glee with her, she’s going to get mad.  She’s going to pace, maybe she’ll send me an email moaning about how busy you are.  Do you realize this is a good thing?  The fact that she’s thinking about you is all that matters to you.  It doesn’t matter if she’s happy or sad, angry or perplexed: as long as you’re on her mind, you’ve answered her testosterone trial without verbalizing an actual answer.  You’ve passed with flying colors, gold ribbons, and a A+ scrawled on your forehead.

So what are you doing this week that keeps you busy, learning, experience and  enjoying the man you are?  Do you answer to anyone about what it is you’re doing?  Do you still have evenings where you’re sitting on the couch or at the computer, doing nothing?  This needs to change.  Guitar lessons can be as cheap as $20 a week.  I’ve found horseback riding lessons for $35 a week.  I met a guy who offers archery lessons in his large basement for $60 a month (4 visits).  There’s so much you can do to decrease your lazy and over-available time on a small budget, even the unemployed man can jump in and get busy with his downtime.  Scheduling these events is important — if you try to fake it or lie about it, you’ll get caught during the next testosterone trial her mind shoots off, and it’ll be worse than if you dropped everything you were doing and ran over to her place to watch Glee.

Get to it, gents, and share your favorite hobbies and learning courses below in the comments section.

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Since all of these initiation tasks should have an article of their own, I will focus on covering each specific activity with future articles, linking to those articles from this main cover-all post.

The Man’s Job

The man should initiate in the following areas the majority of the time:

• A man should initiate asking out the woman for real future dates.
• A man should initiate strong physical intimacy (kissing, sex, etc).
• A man should initiate new questions in conversations
• A man should initiate non-verbal admiration (catching her glance and holding her eyes)
• A man should initiate, and keep, a smile on his face
• A man should initiate when it’s time to end a date
• A man should initiate when it’s time to end an online conversation (text messaging thread, instant messaging, e-mail thread)

The Woman’s Job

The woman should initiate in the following areas the majority of the time:

• A woman should initiating openly fantasizing about future dates
• A woman should initiate weak physical intimacy (holding hands, casual non-sexual body touches)
• A woman should initiate online conversation (text messaging, instant messaging, emails)
• A woman should initiate verbal admiration (“I love you” or “You look handsome”)
• A woman should initiate physical presence (facing her body towards the man, watching/looking at the man)
• A woman should initiate the broadcast of a desire for strong physical intimacy (lick her lips, look at his lips, show her desire for sex, etc)

Many of these rules may seem counterintuitive.  Women might actually push back against them if they read them, but it’s important to understand that a woman’s conscious mind and subconscious mind can be battling to the extreme.  It’s a key element of what makes a man that he knows how to lead the relationship in a way that is best for the woman’s heart, not necessarily her mind.  It’s also a key element that a woman knows how to show a man her highest desire grade based on how he treats her and how he composes himself, even if some of his actions may cause her to consciously be frustrated.

A woman wants to chase a man a little bit.  If she loses that ability, she’ll consider him a doormat and her desire grade level will plummet, possibly forever.  By acting like a man should, he gives her the opportunity to give as much chase as she needs, and he gets confirmation of her high desire grade level because of his ability to gauge her interest through non-verbal cues and signals.

Remember: these list are about who should initiate these areas primarily.  It’s ok to violate the rules on occasion, but the majority of initiations should follow this task list.  If they don’t, you’re either blowing it, or her desire grade level towards you has sunk beyond recovery.

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Think again.  Early on, some women will be trying to set a precedent for what amount of demands they can make of you, how much they can control your actions.  Instead of using ladyjargon openly, they might be asking you to jump and waiting for you to ask “how high?”  When you’re a man with standards for yourself, it’s important to stick to those standards and rules from the start.  The right woman will appreciate it, the wrong woman will be driven mad with rage wondering why you won’t kowtow to her demands and inquiries.

Maybe you just had a great date and she’s already pushing to see you again right away.  Don’t fall victim to this trial: the next date should be proposed preferably when your schedule allows it, and at least more than a handful of days after the previous one.  A great woman will appreciate a man who has a busy schedule with work, friends, family and personal time.  If you jump into her demands for a back-to-back date, subconsciously you’re telling her “I’m a sucker, I have no plans, and if I do, I’ll cancel them for you ALWAYS.”  That precedent you set by asking how high you should jump is one that will trap you for the rest of your relationship.  Let her know gently that you want to see her again, and do it only by proposing the next date when your schedule allows for it.

Of course there are times when a woman proposes a date and you can easily jump at it with interest, but you still have to man-up and be the one who does the proposing early on.  Remember, you’re judging her desire grade level constantly, and just because she proposes a date with excitement doesn’t mean she actually has a high desire grade for you: it could also mean she’s angling to see how far your tether is from her.

Make your dates and plans with her on your schedule.  Don’t be the boss, just show her that you’re a natural leader, someone who has an active life with work and friends and family and personal time, but also wants her in that active life.  She’ll respect you more and her desire grade for you will go up because she knows you’re busy and knows you’re still seeking her in that busy life.  And on the occasions you do jump at the invitation that she makes, make sure that they’re invitations where she does the planning, looking for something amazing to take you to, planning she has to invest in seeking what you want to do and what will excite you.  Don’t let it be for a movie on the couch and some mac and cheese for dinner.

You work hard to offer her interesting choices, hold her to that same standard.

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A woman I dated previously seemed to be interested in me again, and she invited me to a public event she was hosting.  I decided to go, but tried to be more determined in making sure that she didn’t take me for granted.  I went to the event, didn’t really get any time with her at all, and left after 30 minutes.  I sent her a text message telling her to contact me when she feels like it.

Here’s my one word reply: oops.  Here’s my 4 word reply: stop being a doormat.

First of all, if you previously dated someone, they should stay in the history books.  Why did you stop dating her?  Her desire grade dropped below a B-, probably as low as a D or even an F grade, and she tossed you.  Now she’s all of a sudden interested in you again, and it happens to coincide with when she hosted a public event?  Did she want to see you, or did she just want as many gullible warm bodies as possible so her event felt successful?

We all know the answer here.  If she wanted to see you, she would have offered you a date night for just you and her alone.  She wouldn’t be able to stop thinking about you, and she’d be contacting you more often than just for an invite to her public event.  This wasn’t a date, and it surely wasn’t her showing any desire grade to you at all.  You screwed up not only by going, but by showing her your cards and begging for her to text you back.  I bet she didn’t even respond, did she?

If you get invited to a public event that someone is hosting or involved in, just say no.  Always say no.  I don’t care if it’s your wife’s party, if you aren’t going as her one and only date and companion, picking her up and dropping her off at home, then you’re not going.  End of story.

If a woman invites me to an event she’s hosting, I do something different: I counter-offer to make plans on another night.  If she says she’s too busy, her desire grade is in the freezing level.  Another thing I’d do is ask her when her event ends, and see if she wants to get together after the event.  Again, her response will tell me exactly what she feels for me.

Don’t think that a woman who sends you text messages really has any desire to see you.  In this case, you know exactly why she gave you attention: she needed your body at her event, but any warm breathing human would do.  It wasn’t you that was invited, it was an open invite and she knew that she could sucker you into showing up because you keep showing her how high your desire grade towards her is.  She has a puppy dog, and all she has to do is pretend to go to the biscuit drawer and he’ll come running, even if she doesn’t give him a biscuit.

If you really feel like she wants you to come see her, you should’ve asked “What time should I pick you up to take you over there?”  If she denies you the attempt to pick her up, that’s her telling you her desire grade is zilch.  Or ask her “Am I your date for the event?”  If she says no, then you’ve got more obvious hints that she has no interest in you.  Even if a woman is busy hosting to 500 people, she will still want the guy she has a high desire grade towards around her as her date.  You’re not that guy.

I hate to break it this hard, but you have to end all contact with her, even if she’s considered a friend.  What kind of friend would abuse a guy who likes her this way?  She’s not your friend, she’s not your girlfriend, so erase her phone number and delete her from your email contacts list.  If she’s on your social networks, leave her there, but stop interacting with her, even if she interacts with you.  You don’t need a game player in your life.

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I met a woman for a first date coffee.  She gave me all the good signs: touching my arm, flipping her hair, great eye contact.  After the coffee date, she proposed getting a drink closer to where she lives, and I accepted.  After the drink, she told me she wants to see me again, but when I went in for a kiss, she gave me her cheek.  Is this a dealbreaker?

When it comes to first dates, or 100th dates, watching her signals to gauge her desire level is your only priority on a date.  Phil here must be reading and remember the BAM blog because he noticed some of the important signals that are important to rate a woman’s desire grade at a high level: touching your arm when you talk, playing with her hair, keeping eye contact, mentioning future dates.  These are all very important signs.  But then there are signs that can be attributed to a lower desire grade level, like turning her face when the man initiates a kiss.

Is turning the cheek a dealbreaker?  Should Phil call her for a second date?  Let’s look at the possibilities…

First of all, she gave enough positive signals to show that her desire grade is at least the B- level.  For those aware, the B- desire grade level is the lowest desire grade a woman shows a man that means that he still has a chance to skyrocket her desire grade level to the A level.  Still, the turned cheek keeps her in the B to B- desire grade level.

Some women honestly move slowly, but most of the time, a cheek means she likes you just enough to keep you around, but her eyes will be wandering when she’s not with you.  The women who move so slowly that they can’t handle a little peck on the lips after a great date have a bad problem: BAGGAGE.  On the other hand, some women just aren’t used to forward men, and maybe this gal is like that.  This is a good thing, because Phil has broken the ice.  She knows he doesn’t want to just be friends, so she has no excuse to assume that if and when he calls her for a second date.

Personally, I would call her for a second date, but I’d wait until the first Sunday that rolls around, and make plans for the middle of the week.  Don’t initiate text messages or emails, don’t call her to chit chat.  If she texts or emails you (a sign of high desire grade level towards you), reply as if you’re busy and will give her a ring another day.

Before you call her, do something else: get some more phone numbers from women you meet out and about.  You have nothing to lose, and everything to gain.  By having a backup (or 10), you won’t hesitate to cut this bird loose if she balks at a second date, or if the second date goes bad.  Having a backup is of tantamount importance in the first season of dating.

It’s too late to go back now, but a few things I would have done in Phil’s place:

1. If she asked me to get a drink with her after coffee or tea and I did have time, I would have moved in for a quick smooch right then and there.  If she turned her cheek to me, I’d have said no and ended the date.  It changes the mood quickly and puts the mystery on her as to whether or not you like her.
2. Since having drinks after coffee extends that first date longer than is safe (you want to cut it shorter than she wants so that she thinks about you, and wonders what you’re up to after your early ending date), I would have finished the date when I still had some alcohol in my glass.  ”Sorry that I have to leave, I had fun tonight, thanks for inviting me out for a drink.”
3. When a woman turns her cheek to my kiss, that’s when I pull back and look her in the eyes and smile.  If she smiles back, I can usually know if a second date is wise or not.  If she turns her eyes away or looks nervous, it’s usually a sign of low desire grade towards me, or she’s got baggage that she needs to deal with herself.

Sounds like a near perfect first date, though, and I’m hoping you can get her out for a second one.  Follow the rules and her desire grade will skyrocket.  Break the rules before that date, though, and she’ll feel the hooks of ownership in you and her desire grade level will plummet down to below freezing.

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It’s now a rule of mine, a strong rule, to try to not inquire at all into her past.  For us guys, the only thing that matters is that she has a high desire grade for us, and that she has no venereal diseases that might effect us.  Beyond that, numbers don’t matter.  Whether she’s dated 500 guys or slept with 500 guys, none of that effects the rules I set forth in this blog and in my book.

The key is to realize one thing: if she has a high desire grade level for you, you’re doing things right.  Maybe she’s gone through an entire village of men before you, but the fact that you have her now and you’re keeping her intrigued with your mystery and your availability (or lack thereof, specifically).  Don’t worry about her past.

In situations where she’s worried about your past, not being the one to inquire about hers gives you a leg up.  If she asks you “How many women have you slept with?” the proper answer is “You have a past, I have a past, and none of that matters to us now, does it?”  It’s important to remember this even if something as casual as their last failed relationship comes up.  That relationship failure led you to to the point where you wanted someone else in your lives, and that’s your and her, right?  Our pasts brought us to our present, and our present leads us into our futures.

That’s another important fact: what matters more about keeping score is not how many guys she’s been with before you, but how many guys she’ll be with after you.  You want that number to be zero, right?  Then work on the rules, the regulations, and at keeping her desire grade towards you ultra-high.  Don’t bring up your past girlfriends, even the good ones.  Don’t ask about her past boyfriends, especially the bad ones.  If she’s so busy thinking about you all the time, wanting to see you constantly, and having a blast every time you do give her the chance to spend time with you, she won’t be thinking about those exes, so neither should you.

If it’s early in the relationship and she hasn’t brought up wanting to be exclusive, you probably are spending too much time with her to begin with.  Dating isn’t a numbers game, it’s a lifestyle of experience.  Just because you have one non-exclusive girlfriend in your life doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be putting yourself out there more and experiencing more than just one woman.  The best case scenario here is that you meet someone better, and think even less about your concerns over her dating or sexual history.

When you find one who really catches your eye, and whose eye you catch, you won’t be thinking about how many times she’s had sex or dinner with other guys, you’ll be thinking of ways to get her to think about how many times she’ll want to do those things with you for a long time to come.

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I recently started dating a woman and I can’t keep my mind off of her.  I don’t think she likes me as much as I like her.  What is the right thing to do?

Maybe you’re in the same boat.  Maybe you’ve been in that same boat.  Here’s a little story:

A guy meet a gal, she’s beautiful, she seems into him, they go out on a date.  Maybe they go out on two dates in 1 week, or even 3.  He texts her, and she writes back right away.  He emails her, and she emails back.  They become Facebook friends and he sees that she has 750 guy friends on there all posting on her wall or replying to her inane status updates.  Whenever he’s not with her, he thinks about her.  He checks to see if she’s on Google or Facebook Chat, and the minute she’s on, he sends her a message.  He tells her he misses her and is excited to see her.  They go out whenever she is free, and if she proposes a date, he clears his plans with friends or other people just to see her.

And then she stops responding to his text messages promptly.  His long missive emails go unreplied to, or she just sends him a short one sentence reply to a 500 sentence chapter of a romance novel.  She doesn’t reply to his chats because she’s never logging into Google or Facebook.  When he invites her out, she has other plans.  Maybe he’ll see her photo tagged on Facebook with 3 other guys moments before she untags herself.

What happened?  Was liking her too much a problem?

No.  You can never like someone too much, but you can kill a woman’s desire grade for you by showing her how much you like her.  Early on, when they first met, she had a high desire grade towards him because she knew nothing about him.  She didn’t own him, so she chased and let him chase her.  But over time, quicker rather than later, she captured more and more information about him and then realized she won: she owned him.  All her wonderful feelings she was feeling: fear that he had 15 girlfriends, fear that he didn’t find her attractive, fear that he would be too busy for her, fear that he didn’t like her enough: they all went in the toilet.

It’s not a mystery, women actually LIKE feeling those feelings.  If a guy has 15 women chasing him, she wants to win by being #1 and kicking all the gals to the curb.  The minute she knows you’re owned by her, she has no reason to chase; the mystery is gone.  If a guy responds to every email or text or chat request instantly, she knows he’s not that busy.  Again, she wins, she owns him.  If he jumps at the chance to see her whenever she is free, she won again: he’s not busy, or whatever he had planned is less important than her.  Another win for the lady, another loss for Mr. Chicken-man.

As always, it boils down to her desire grade for you.  When she still offers to accept your dates on occasion, but not always, it means you’ve fallen way below the B- desire grade level minimum, maybe as far as a D-.  Any more hiccups and she’ll end it, probably without telling you.

So what do you do to keep her desire grade high?  Don’t let her win.  It’s not a game for you, but it’s a game for her.  Stop playing her game.  Don’t spend every waking moment with her.  There’s no need to be in a rush to respond to her emails or chats or texts instantly, because you have other things going on, right?  Do you want to be one more throwaway guy friend on her Facebook that tries to get her attention, or do you want to be the guy she’s thinking about, wondering about, worrying about?

Anything she texts you to tell you about, email you about, chat with you about, just give her the honest truth: you want to hear about it, so make plans to see her face to face so she can have your full attention.  Do you want your entire dating history to be a series of texts, chats and emails, or do you want to date a woman who you actually know because you can see her, read her, gauge if she has a high desire grade for you or a low one?

It’s OK to like her a lot, but it’s not OK to let her know that by being too available, by being too responsive too quickly, and by giving her all the information to know that you’re just like every other chicken-man she’s dated before you.  Let her win, and she’ll walk.  It’s her game, but you don’t have to play by her rules.  Stop playing entire and follow my rules and you’ll see that she’ll continue to chase you, through months or years of dating, or even courtship or marriage.  There’s no need to play games, not when you know that the reality is that she wants to chase someone forever.  Maybe that person will be you.

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A first date should be called that: a date.  Don’t call it a “meeting” or a “meet and greet” to her.  You’re letting her know what you’re looking for by calling it a date.  If she has a single word of doubt towards it, and says so, cancel the date.  You don’t need to take out a woman who is uncertain about you, even if she’s never met you before.  A woman who is adverse to dating is not someone you want to chase.

The first date should be something safe for her, quiet, not involving alcohol or too intimate of a location.  I prefer the coffee shop or the tea house.  Do your research before taking a woman out to a local coffee spot: you don’t want it filled with too many people, try to avoid places with live music or loud recorded music.  A place with some couches or at least chairs that are near each other is perfect.  Don’t do restaurants with booth style seating where you sit across from each other.

This guy is sitting too far away.

Because it’s a first date, my rule about picking her up does not have to be followed.  She doesn’t know you, and even if you have years of history together it’s better to make her feel safe by giving her the option of bailing if she’s unsure about you.  There’s nothing wrong with a woman showing her low desire grade by calling it a night early and leaving.  Better now than 5 years from now when she takes your house, car, kids and bank account.

Plan the timing of your date where you know you can be there on time.  Men who are late are not attractive, even if some women might have a high desire grade for guys who treat them badly.  Those women are attracted to vulture-men, and you’re not going to be that guy.  Be on time, not too early or too late.

Once you meet, keep your paws off of her.  Don’t go in for a hug or a handshake or any sort of bodily touch.  Don’t even put your hand on her back or her arm or shoulder.  Avoid touching her as if she had the plague.  This is an important step because it accomplishes a few things:

1. It shows her that you respect her personal space,
2. If she has a really high desire grade towards you, she’ll make physical contact,
3. It gives you the opportunity to watch her body language.

When you sit next to her, make sure you sit close enough to her that you’re within easy reach.  Don’t sit across a table, sit down at the chair one space over, or on the couch next to her.  Like the old Seinfeld and Zoolander joke, most guys can only face one direction and be able to pay attention.  In my studies, right-handed men face right better, left-handed men face left better.  Pick your spot based on your comfort direction.

Immediately upon entering the room, and from that point forward, if you see her, make eye contact with her and keep it.  Don’t be looking left or right or up or down because it’ll be a subconscious signal to her that you’re nervous, lying, or you don’t want to be there.  Locking eyes with her will actually put her at ease and show her that you’re confident.

It’s a first date, it’s coffee or tea, and it’s cheap.  Sit her down before you order anything.  Because it’s not going to be an expensive date, offer to buy her a coffee or tea.  Get her order, repeat it 5 times in your head, and go get it.  If she’s in your view when you’re at the counter, take a glance over to her and smile if she looks back.  Don’t hold that look, just get the smile if you can.  If she’s not facing you, don’t worry about it.  A smile adds comfort, but it also confirms your confidence level to her.

You’ve brought her the $5 drink of her choice, and you’re sitting next to her.  Your part of the date is practically over.  My old quote is “You can tell if she’s worth a second date within the first 8 minutes of a first date.”  You’re almost at the 8 minute mark, all you need to do is get her conversation going.  Notice I said her conversation.  This isn’t about you, today, it’s about you gauging her desire level.  Also remember that first date conversation is when you’ll first witness her Ladyjargon, so don’t take everything at face value that she says.

Avoid any topics that might bring in sad or sexual conversation into the fold.  Don’t talk about work or ex-boyfriends, don’t talk about how much you like her, don’t talk about a recent illness or a fight you’re having with your roommate.  Instead, just make questions that she can answer with variety.  Avoid yes or no questions completely.  It’s better to say “Have you lived in the city long?” rather than “Do you live alone?”  Let her build up on your questions with her own answers.  LISTEN.  Everything she talks about should lead you into new things for her to discuss.

If she asks you any questions, answer them promptly and without much detail.  The questions she’ll ask you can often times be projection.  She wants you to ask those same questions of her, but she also wants to talk more than you talk.  Even if you’re a bad listener, just shut up.  If I start to overtalk, I’ll tap my own knee with my fingers 5 times slowly to gauge when I should shut up.  If I answer any questions of hers, I will always end with a new question for her to answer.

If you let her talk more, her desire grade will go up.  You’re a listener and not a bragger.  She can open up to you about things and not have you walk all over her voice.  Eye contact is so important.  Your body language is, too.  Keep your hands on the table or your lap, not in a pocket or crossed across your chest.  I prefer having my hands on the table, giving her easy reach of my arms if she wants to casually touch them when she laughs or asks me something.  You’re fishing for signals from her, so don’t block yourself off to the best signals.

Watch her body language: are her eyes on you and not that hot, tall, skinny coffee server?  Is she nodding her head?  Is her body positioned to face yours, or away from yours?

You’re not looking for a 10 hour first date, you’re looking for an hour, tops.  This is the hardest thing for me as a man to do if I’m having fun.  I want to sit with her for 4 hours to try to confirm that she likes me, but there’s no way of knowing on date #1 if she really has a truly high desire grade for you.  Her desire will increase after she leaves and wonders about you.  If you stay too long, she won’t wonder, and date#2 won’t happen.

After your coffee is done, if you still have time left in that hour, ask if she wants another drink or water.  Get something size small if possible, because you’re going to want to bail at the hour mark.  The best time to bail is when she’s having fun, smiling, talking, making eye contact.  If she’s touched you (while laughing, going to the bathroom, or just talking), you’ve got a live one.  Reel her in by ending the date earlier than most guys do.  If she has to get back to work in an hour, end the date at 40 minutes.

This will make her wonder about you.  She’ll have good questions, and she’ll have nervous ones for herself.  This is good; the more she thinks about you once you leave, the more likely you are to have a second date.

I always try to get a very simple and prudish kiss on the lips when I leave.  I’ll let her know I had fun and I’d like to get going since I have other plans I have to do.  Don’t be specific about those plans, even if they’re just to go home and wash dishes.  Let her wonder.  If she says she had fun and she’d like to do it again, smile, lock eyes, move your face in towards her and if she doesn’t turn her face, just give her a light smooch on the lips.  No tongue or hand holding or head holding is needed.  If she turns her head, it’s not that she’s a prude or that she moves slowly, she doesn’t like you enough, friend.

Then leave.  Exit and keep on moving.  Don’t look back, no matter how much you want to.  If you leave with her, remember that your date is over so there’s no need to share anything.  Make her wonder what you’re thinking!

Here’s a big rule, too: DO NOT TEXT OR EMAIL HER TO SAY ANYTHING.  I like to see if her desire grade is at the A-level if she texts me first or emails me first to say she had fun or she wants to see me again.  If she doesn’t, it means she’s not at the A-level, and I have to decide if I want to risk what little time I have seeing a woman who isn’t already thinking about me after an hour of coffee.

Remember, the first date is not about you, it’s about her: you want to see if she likes you enough, and you want to create more reason for her to like you.  Don’t do what you think she wants you to do.  Don’t do what other guys do, you’re trying to meet her aspects of dating supply and demand that are rare from other guys.  You’re different.  You’re a man.  You have your act together, and you know for years you’ve chased women who were never really that interested in you.  Now it’s time to find one that is.

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In dating, supply and demand have the same pressures on the economic value of actions in any relationship.  We don’t want what we can get anywhere, we want what is in low supply out there, but in high demand by us.

For women, their words and Ladyjargon usually bring confusion to the man trying to figure out what she wants.  I’ll make it simple on you to figure it out: she doesn’t have a high demand for things other guys are happy to supply to her.  When you give her a supply of things she is in high demand for, you’ll skyrocket her to having an A-level desire grade towards you.

Think about all the things you WANT to tell a woman or do for a woman, and then think again if other guys would do the same.  Does every guy tell a pretty gal that she’s beautiful?  Does every guy who meets a fantastic woman want to be the first one to say “I love you”?  Does every guy shovel money at her, take her to the fanciest restaurants, and want to spend every waking moment with her?

If so, you’re not going to be the one fulfilling something that she isn’t wanting in her life, that other men are happy to waste their time doing.

Simple compliments like “You’re beautiful” or “you look so sexy tonight” are wasted effort.  Once you start puking that garbage, she’ll know that she owns you.  The minute you tell a woman who has spent 2 minutes getting her clothes on and her makeup together that she’s beautiful, she knows she won’t have to work hard for compliments in the future.  You failed her, and you failed yourself.  You want your woman to be excited to see you, to go out of her want to look nice and attract you, right?  There’s no point in complimenting her repeatedly.

When you share your feelings verbally, she also gets an extra point on her column towards winning the game towards ownership.  When she knows she owns you, her desire grade level plummets.  The best way for a man to share his feelings for a woman is by taking time to plan incredible dates, by going out on those dates and giving her your full attention, by listening to her rather than speaking over her, and by showing her your physical desire by kissing her when she gives you the signals that she wants to be kissed.

When an average chicken-man is with a woman, he won’t keep his paws off of her.  A man touching a woman is a quick way for her to confirm ownership.  That same chicken-man will fill in lulls in conversation with compliments; the hawk-man won’t have lulls in conversation because he’ll be asking her questions about things that she’s mentioned, even if they seem unimportant to him.

You don’t need to splurge on a date: any man can save up $150 for a big dinner and make reservations.  How about planning an exciting date that doesn’t leave your wallet melting?  Find out what she likes to do for fun besides eating lobster and drinking fine wine and going to expensive concerts.  Does she like pool or bowling?  Don’t do that — how about finding what else she might like that she hasn’t tried before?  Take her out to 5 different bars that you’ve already scoped out, bars with pinball machines or an old version of Miss Pac-Man.  Share a beer at each one, and bounce to the one when that single glass of brew is empty.

What about focusing a date on seeing things from different perspectives?  One of my favorite dates revolved around life music, but it wasn’t about going to one venue and seeing 3 loud bands and not getting any input from the woman I was with.  Instead, I took her to a (quiet) blues concert in the sticks, then we jumped to a piano recital to a church and we finished the night by going to a loud pub to hear the headlining band.  Throughout the date I was able to gauge her interest, listen to her talk about what she liked or hated, and kept her excited because we were always on the move.

What about movie night?  Does going to a dark and quiet theater to sit next to a woman you can’t talk to or read visually really sound appealing?  If it’s time for a movie, how about taking her to a DVD store and letting her pick out a movie or two?  You have a couch and a TV and a DVD player, right?

When it comes to bringing value to a dating relationship, we have to look at the laws of supply and demand.  If you’re going to perform an action or say a phrase, think quick: is this something any other guy can do, will do?  If so, don’t do it.  Think about an action or an activity that is rare.  Don’t be the one jumping on her for a kiss when you’re playing pool; instead, send her a look of desire and see if she comes to you.  All it takes is a stare and a smile that you steal back immediately as you focus on hitting that cue ball.  Don’t stare and smile and stay that way, give her a taste of your desire through actions, and let her come to you.

Women love the chase, they love knowing that they’re not owning a man and that the man is staying their own person.  Don’t fall into traps with flowers sent to work or dates to boring but expensive restaurants.  Don’t compliment her unless she’s really gone out of her way.  The best compliment to a woman is to notice that her hair was cut or colored, that she’s wearing clothes that are outside of her usual attire.  Notice the new, but don’t compliment the usual.  She’ll be excited for you, feel intrigue and mystery about why you treat her so differently.

If you act like every other man that was in her life before you, you’ll join them in the breakup club when she’s moved on to a new guy who is fresh and exciting, who she doesn’t yet own.  Yet.

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