The paper doesn’t dig deep enough into the duality of a woman’s mind, though, to weed out why this is the case.  They allude to the idea that people who smile are showing feminine attributes (bad in men, good in women), and that women tend to want the bad boy who they think/hope can be changed (“fixed”), but this doesn’t dig into the why part of their conclusion: what is going on in a woman’s mind when she picks the brooding and dark guy over the happy guy?

In order to dig deeper, we have to first look at the duality of the woman’s mind: their logical brain versus their subconscious brain.  The subconscious female’s brain is where women subconsciously come up with their Ladyjargon questions and statements, those subtle pokes and prods that confuse most men, and can easily lower a lady’s Desire Grade Level if answered incorrectly (or even answered at all).  The logical brain, on the other hand, is the false front that most women put on that acts completely contrary to what her subconscious brain wants: the lies she speaks when she says verbally she wants a “nice guy” (but sleeps with a roster of Vultures: rock stars, tattoo artists and socially challenged professors), or the uneventful long term relationships she has with a Chicken while pining and waiting for a Hawk (and ending the relationship when she meets a Vulture who throws her 5 seconds of attention).

It’s very important to ignore 100% of the logical brain responses from women: they’re lying not only to you, but to themselves.  Some will say that “lying” is too harsh, but there’s no other word to define the garbage spewed when a woman is put into logical brain mode.  Even when she’s trying to commit to telling someone a truthful response, she’ll still give off non-verbal signals and cues that point to the fact that subconsciously she doesn’t mean what she is actually saying out loud.  It’s a tricky situation, even for men who understand the duality of the woman’s brain, but with knowledge and practice and the forming of proper habits, every guy can turn into a Hawk in a short period of time.

After reading all of the news articles regarding this study, and reading and re-reading the short 8-page PDF for a week, the question of “what is a guy to do?” is answered pretty easily: don’t be obvious about anything, not verbally and not physically.  Obviousness in a male sets up a subconscious alert in the mind of woman where she feels like she’s won something over you.  Even if offering her an obvious answer doesn’t doormat you completely in her subconscious mind, it will definitely open her inner eye to looking for more screw ups you might do that prove to her that you’re not the strong, challenging, determined man she wants and needs in her life (subconsciously).  That inner brain is always working to prove that you’re not worthy of her, and you only prove that by being obvious.

Looking at the research results, we see that women prefer brooding guys over happy guys, but women equally prefer prideful men to brooding men.  That full smile is easily returned to a powerful look with a smirk or half-smile rather than a frown or an angry face.  Practice that half-smile and force your habits to stop with the happy face that causes women to find you feminine rather than masculine.  Sometimes when I have a full smile on in public (hey, I’m a happy guy), I’ve had random women walk up to me and demand to know why I’m so happy.  I was never able to convert their initiation of conversation into a date.  On the other hand, when I’ve been lost in thought at a store or coffee shop and had a woman walk past and smile at me, a smirk or crooked smile has a huge success rate in getting her attention (usually a stronger smile back with stronger eye contact), which has been a consistent tool used to open up conversation long enough to get a date out of her.

In an article from 2010, I tell guys to (half)-Smile More, Talk Less.  Where I fail in that article (now updated, with more to come) is that it’s not about actively smiling like a mentally short-circuited guy, it’s about displaying some emotion half-way rather than not at all (or worse, overly displaying one that is easily discerned).  Women have that need to dig into a guy to see what he’s about, but when they dig and discover, their Desire Grade Level drops.  So put off her discovery by making her wonder what it is about you that you want and need, but don’t let her consistently discover the answers.  When she wonders, it means she’s thinking about you, and when a woman thinks about a man, it raises her Desire Grade Level, sometimes into stratospheric levels.

To put it simply: what you show on your face should get random women and women you know wondering what exactly is on your mind.  A full on smile will confirm to her an answer: he’s happy.  That’s not good, because it gives her an answer.  Showing no emotion is better, but showing a half-cocked emotion gets her inner brain spinning because she doesn’t have a clue if you’re happy or sad or angry or lost in thought.  Not giving her the answers she wants is actually helping fulfill her need to prove that you’re no doormat.

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To me, saying “don’t do” something has a peculiar issue of creating forbidden fruits. “Don’t do drugs” almost makes them seem tastier. “Don’t have unprotected sex” oftentimes has people saying “I just had unprotected sex, and nothing bad happened.” It’s impossible to prove a negative: even if you do drugs and overdose, or have unprotected sex and get an STD, there’s still many time you might have done one or the other (or both at the same time) and had a positive experience out of it, causing the “don’t do” camp to appear weaker.

I’m going to go through Miss Starling’s article bit by bit to try to provide a different angle for guys, from a guy, in hopes to offer a similar desired outcome, but without all of the “don’t do” angles.

Starling starts off with the positives: do be kind to children and animals, do donate to charity, etc. This is good. These are things a man should do, and by saying “do this”, it instills in us an ability to see a positive outcome from doing a positive action.

She then goes into some particular facts about rape and society (which sadly don’t come with citations backing them up, but I’ll let that go for now). She asks how does she know that a man approaching her isn’t a rapist? Again, it’s impossible to prove a negative, so the focus here is to instead be a positive, and follow some basic guidelines each and every time you approach a woman without a formal introduction by someone she knows and trusts. By following these guidelines each and every time, you’ll have positive reinforcement when you get her phone number, or when she sits down at your table to drink coffee with you and share in some light conversation.

Starling talks about how some women, particularly ones who have been victims of violence, may not want to be approached at all, ever, by a random guy on the street. I’m sure this is true: not every woman I’ve met randomly in daily life has been all that interested in conversation, but the number for me is far lower than the 1 in 6 figure Starling blind cited in regards to women who have met violence. 1 out of 2 women I have taken out for a first date I’ve met in public, randomly, without friends or colleagues or alcohol being the reason for our introduction. Here’s how I do it, each and every time, and here’s exactly what you need to follow each and every time to make sure you reduce your chance of coming off as unwanted, scary, or “Schrödinger’s Rapist” as Starling labels the random guy saying hi in public.

The author says you shouldn’t wear a shirt that makes a joke about rape. I’ll agree with her on this one, but change it around a bit: you should only own clothes that look good on you, that are masculine in nature but not too boyish. I don’t tend to wear T-shirts in public because I prefer a good dress shirt or sweater over underwear. My t-shirts go under my dress shirts, unless I’m changing my oil, playing sports with friends, or slumming it around the house. With Target offering really clean and crisp dress shirts for $20 ($10 on the sale rack), you have no reason not to dress slightly better than then next guy over. If the women you prefer to date prefer to date boys who dress like peasants, that’s your choice, but it’s always been my goal for my students to meet women who are past that part of their lives. DO wear a nice shirt, pants that fit, clean dress shoes.

Here’s another good tidbit that Starling notes: “You want to say Hi to the cute girl on the subway. How will she react? Fortunately, I can tell you with some certainty, because she’s already sending messages to you. Looking out the window, reading a book, working on a computer, arms folded across chest, body away from you = do not disturb.” It’s another “don’t do” phrase, but it’s quite easy to turn that one around into what you SHOULD do. Women who want to be approached will send you positive signals that can mean “come over and say hi.” I approach women who smile at me, hold my eyes if I notice. If I look again and her body is turned more to face mine, and she smiles again, of course I’ll head over and say hello. DO pay attention to a woman’s body language. DO walk over and say hi if she’s smiling, making eye contact, and showing those positive signs of interest.

The author says that women who are giving signs of wanting to be left alone aren’t going to be hip to you complimenting their shoes or outfit or book she’s reading, but that’s not a big issue. I’m against giving women compliments left and right anyway (and I have yet to find a good way to say “don’t give compliments out willy nilly” as a positive “do” task, but I’m working on it).

Once you confirm that a woman is giving you at least SOME signal that she wouldn’t mind you saying hi, DO approach her in a safe way. Keep your hands out of your pockets and in front of you where she can see them. DO make sure that a woman has at least 3 exits from your approach if you’ve read her incorrectly. If she’s standing in the corner of a room with a fridge on her left and a ancient Chinese vase on her left, DO consider giving her a moment to exit that trap before you approach.

Starling continues with an actual “do” note: if a woman responds to your introduction with a single syllable, DO assume she’s not interested. My guidelines say to guys that women should respond to your initial short-and-very-quick introduction with something a little longer than yours was. This means keep your introductions as short as possible in hopes that she’ll eek out a respond that is just one word longer. “Hi, I’m Adam” is a really amazing line for me, because if she says “Hi, my name is Elaine” I know she’s there to talk a little bit more. Win!

The next section is one that kills me: Starling talks about a guy she went on one date with, for one hour, who harassed her with a dozen or so emails and continued bugging her even after she flatly said to stop contacting her. She says “don’t contact a woman who isn’t responding to your communications.” That’s good, but it’s still a negative! I prefer to say “Only respond to women who respond to you.” When a woman doesn’t send a response to your email, text, phone call or carrier pigeon letter, she’s giving you a pretty good sign that her desire grade level is too low to continue seeing her. In simplest terms, she’s lost interest in you. I’ll allow a guy ONE follow up response to make sure she’s still breathing, but that’s even too much. Have you ever sent a gal a text or email or left her a voice mail, and after you have to check your phone or gmail account every 83 seconds in hopes of a response? A woman with a high desire grade level is doing the exact same thing after she sends you a reply. If she isn’t, she’s just not that curious or intrigued with you, and you’ve already lost her. So DO only respond to women who respond to you. If they don’t send a response, DO move on. If she’s just really busy or missed your message, she WILL check in if she hasn’t heard from you in a few days, and then (and only then) DO say you sent her a text or email or voice mail or message-in-a-bottle and allow her to confirm that.

Starling finishes her missive with one final don’t: “DON’T RAPE.” Ugh. Duh? I know, some women think ALL men need to hear this. I’m going to turn that one around, because if you’re reading this, you’re not looking to be a “pick up artist” or a player or a dogger, baller, skeez, manslut, gigolo, casanova or other scummy type that 500 dating sites want you to become. You’re a decent man who wants to be a great man, and you’re looking for a great woman in your life. I’m not going to tell you “don’t rape”, but I will give you some sagely advice: DO learn her comfort signs, and DO discuss ways for a woman to show signs of discomfort rather than just saying “NO!” (which always means it).

I’ve known some gals who liked it rough in the bedroom, and sometimes brought the bedroom well outside of it. Not all women like rough play (pulling hair, smacking butts, a light choke hold or arm restraint), but some just DO. So here’s what you DO: talk about it. If you think she’s hinting at wanting a little roughness, ask her if she likes a man to be dominant. If she responds energetically, here’s step two: DO come up with a safe word so you know when she wants you to back off. With my most aggressive lover (and by aggressive I mean she really wanted me to dominate her in odd and interesting ways), we had two safe words, both dual syllabic: “easy” which means for me to back down a bit, but not shut down, and “no more” which means to back down entirely and prepare myself to be warm and cuddly when SHE wanted to approach ME. DO plan for both of these events, and DO make sure you reiterate it once in awhile so you’re both on the same page. Women like to say “no means no” but “no” is a bad word because to me, “no” means NO MORE PLEASE STOP AND GO AWAY. “Easy” and “no more” were way more communicative as to what she wants me to do, and they gave me clarity, especially in the heat of extreme passion.

So here’s the DO list, my way:

1. DO dress well when you’re out in public.
2. DO approach a woman with your hands visible, and DO make sure she has at least 3 exits to bow out through.
3. DO continue conversing if she responds to you with more than a single word. DO turn and walk away if she responds to you with negative energy or a comment about you going away.
4. DO only continue conversations with her (via text, email, phone or smoke signals) if she’s actively responding. If she doesn’t respond, give her a few days, and if you don’t hear back at all, DO stop contacting her completely.
5. DO converse with a woman you’re dating about more aggressive/dominating romance. DO create a safe word, or preferably safe words, so you know when you should back off lightly or back off entirely.

You want to be a great man, so you can and should DO these things. It’s not about what you shouldn’t do if you know what you should do. Starling’s article is good insight from a woman for men, but it’s not positive enough to create good habits and offer men external validation that their good habits works. By doing positive things with women and around women, you WILL get positive reinforcement in the form of initial conversations, first dates, and possibly amazing sex, but only if you do things properly.

Do you have a “DO this” item to add to this list, or have an issue with something I wrote?  Comment below!

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You know how it is: you meet a pretty gal, you ask that pretty gal out, you brush your teeth (and floss them), trim your facial scruff, look for clean clothes and take her out.  You hope that the first date chemistry is off the charts, and if the chemistry is there in both directions, you start dating her.

But what happens if the chemistry is WAY off the charts?  You can’t get your mind off of her, you can’t wait to see her again, and you’re changing plans to fit her schedule.  Oh, oh, failure imminent.  You know you’re the captain of your ship called life, but sometimes it’s really easy to get caught up in a hurricane but think it’s just a strong northerly wind blowing you in a direction you want.

Typically, a relationship that starts out with amazing chemistry is a rarity, but only if her desire grade level to you is equal to or higher than yours towards her.  If you’re all starry eyed for her but she’s not showing it equally back, you’ve got issues.

Worse, when us guys get excited about a lady, we tend to fall apart at the seams and go from man to boy to baby in about 5 seconds.  We talk too much, brag too much, interrupt too much, forget what she said too much, and generally destroy any hope of getting her to be interested in us for the long haul.

WARNING: If you interrupt her even minimally, she’s going to want to think that you either don’t care about her, only care about yourself, or just want her to shut-up.  This is important to watch for, because you don’t get many chances!

That’s why it’s so important to use action, not words, to show her you’re interested.  Walk around a public square sometime: a mall, the airport, a bar, whatever.  How many guys do you see showing any emotion at all, either looking happy to be alive or hating life?  I’ll bet none.  Maybe one.  There should be at least one, and that’s you.  Just showing emotion is an attractive mechanism for women.  They’ve had their fair share of boring unemotional guys who have no desire to change their lives.  Now here’s Mr. Is-He-Happy-Or-Angry, and she wants to know what he’s about.

But that half-cocked smile is even MORE important when it comes to one-on-one time.  Remember: women like to talk about themselves, it’s a biological need for many of them.  We have to be better listeners.  In the case of my failure, she actually told me that she doesn’t think I listen to her, right before she made signals to end the relationship passive-aggressively.  Sad, but true.  I failed her need to expound on her life, and I destroyed any chance of a future because my mouth ran off due to my excessive energy I had spending time with her.

I used to never have a clue on how I could catch myself talking too much, until about 2 years ago when I realized a little trick that a psychologically intimidating friend of mine had: he repeated important words from our conversations.  If I said “I really liked going to the park today,” his response was “park, nice.”  Parroting my responses.  It was a double-win for him because not only did he allow the conversation to keep moving, but he was also programming his mind to remember some topics in discussions, something all us guys need more of.

You don’t just want to be a parrot, and this was just an example of one guy I knew who obviously paid attention.  Instead, you want your verbal responses to be more probing, maybe even involving a few topics together.  She talked about hating her job, she talked about her love of dogs, why not ask her if she ever thought about working in the animal field?

It’s a battle: keep that coy uncertain smile up until one of your cheeks actually hurts, keep your lips closed as much as possible (showing teeth can be a feminine trait), and feed her words only to keep her chatting. It’s a Hollywood fact rather than a Hollywood myth: women love good listeners, women love emotional guys (even depressed ones), so why not do both?  Kill two birds with one stone.

Of course, I don’t take my own advice in this case often enough, and I admit that almost every relationship of mine that has failed in the past decade has failed due to violating this one simple rule.  Half-smile more, talk less.  Show her that you’ve got emotions, and show her you’re a good listener.  Easy to say, difficult to master, infinitely necessary to move forward.

Thanks to my friend (and female) AE for her insight into this article.

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One of the most common ladyjargon phrases, and one that will bite you in the rear as a relationship ages and progresses is when a woman warns you in advance of seeing her that she doesn’t look pretty today.  I’ve heard it myself and rarely do I do anything about it, so this article is as much for me as it is for you.

The first thing to look at when a woman says “I look run down today” is to consider why she even said it.  What was the stimulus for you and her meeting?  Did you propose a last minute date with her?  Did she ask to see you immediately because she misses you?  Either way, what sign is she sending you subconsciously, and once that standard is set, how will it effect you in the future?

When a woman has a high desire grade for you, she will force herself to look as pretty as she can: she’ll wash her hair, she’ll put on makeup, she’ll dress in a way that makes her feel attractive.  When she knows her outside is gorgeous, her inside will shine, too.  Ever get a car wash weeks after it should have been done and just feel better about being in your car?  That’s the same as a woman putting on makeup and doing up her hair: she knows she looks great, so she’ll feel great.

This is one of those areas that I’ve gotten yelled at by insecure women for years for saying, but a woman who tells a guy she doesn’t look pretty before he sees her is a woman who is angling for ownership of that man.  She likes him, but she’s tired of making herself pretty for him, and she needs a sign that she’s beginning to show ownership over him so that she can start cutting back on the prettying work.  Once she has her hooks in him in terms of ownership, she knows she has gotten to a stage where she can work less to keep him interested.

Is this what you want?  Let’s look at what it means: once she knows your desire grade to her is high, she can let her desire grade fall since she’s winning her own little dating game.  It’s true: you like her alot, so what she looks like isn’t an issue, right?  Once you let that tiny snowball roll down the hill, it’ll grow so quickly that the next thing you know, she’s 30lbs heavier, sitting on the couch chomping on potato chips, her hair a mess, going out with you in her sweatsuit with no makeup on.  That’s what you want, right?

This ladyjargon is one you have to put an end to immediately, and then halt it the moment it rears its ugly head.  If you decide to make spontaneous plans with a woman and she says “I don’t look very pretty today” you need to ask her immediately what it will take to look pretty.  Let her know that looks ARE important.  She knows they are, she just wants confirmation that you don’t care.  Show her that you do with a question like that.  If she says she’s too tired or lazy to get pretty, cancel the spontaneous date immediately.  I’ve said things like “Oh, if you’re tired/lazy let’s just reschedule for a night where you can be your normal self.”  Again, you’re putting the onus on her to keep being the woman she was when you met her.  If that was a fake woman, now is a good time to let her know softly that you have expectations.  Did she use false advertising to snag you?  If she did, here’s a lesson to her not to do that again, not to a real man.

Here’s something worse: what if you had plans a week in advance and she’s still too lazy or tired to get pretty?  That’s a sign of a low desire grade.  I don’t care if a woman worked 48 hours straight and had to tend to her dying great grandmother for the past 2 weeks, if Brad Pitt walked into her life and said let’s do lunch, she’d be curling her hair, dosing her face with plaster and latex paint, and finding a fresh pair of nylons to put on.  You’re not Brad Pitt, but she’s not Angelina Jolie, so she should still be putting forth the effort.

We’re not looking for a woman who is ALWAYS dressed up and investing hours into her look, we’re just looking for women who at least take the time to freshen up, apply some makeup, change her dirty clothes for clean ones, and running through the shower on occasion.  Sometimes it’s OK to tell a woman “Don’t invest hours in it, just throw on some new clothes and a little lipstick and I’ll be happy, this time” if she vomits the “I don’t look pretty today” ladyjargon.

Of course, there are times when a woman really doesn’t FEEL pretty, even when she tries.  She’ll do her hair up, put on makeup and try every outfit in her closet, leaving a pile of bodies of dresses and jeans on her bed.  This is normal for a woman, but it’s important that it isn’t so normal for her that she does it every time she gets pretty for her man.  We’re not talking about running from women who say they don’t look pretty on occasion, just the ones who either do it always (after looking gorgeous for the first few days) or use it as a crutch too often, hiding some baggage.

There are also occasions when it’s expected that a woman isn’t going to look manicured: if she’s sick, just after a workout at the gym, or when she wakes up next to you the next morning.  The latter is a great time to actually fall for her honest looks, especially if she’s the one you want to wake up next to for a long time.  Don’t let her chide herself if any of these acceptable reasons occur, just embrace her beauty and be understanding if she’s not able to get dolled up because of time issues or just feeling ill.  Still, even if she just left the gym or has a 101 fever, nothing should stop her from changing her clothes and putting on some Chapstick, right?

To me, a woman who pulls the “I don’t look pretty today” ladyjargon when a date has been planned in advance is a woman who gets to meet the backburner.  My response is “I can understand you’re busy, so let’s just skip on our plans so you can get the rest you need.”  Don’t say anything about rescheduling or seeing her in the future, just cancel and let her know that she should just take it easy.

You don’t want a woman who is looking to get out of prettying herself up for you, even if it’s just to see you for a sandwich.  Ask any married man what his biggest peeve is about his wife and it’s usually the same two things: she doesn’t want sex, and she doesn’t dress pretty.  Guess why she doesn’t want sex?  It’s because she has no reason to look sexy, she owns that poor sap.

You’re not playing games here, you’re allowing her to keep the precedent she started when you first met her.  If she wants to false advertise, let her do it with the chicken-men she dates and then gets bored of by the end of the second date.  A woman shows you her desire grade partially through how much time she invests in making you desire her.  When it comes to sex, a woman’s sex drive can be ignited initially by her own knowledge that she looks sexy on the outside.  If she’s wearing sweatpants when she goes out with you, her sex drive is either zero, or she’s just a lazy person who will be an anchor on your life.

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“Oh, Kyle, you’re so handsome, but you’re also a genius, and that frightens me.”

It’s important to see that it is ladyjargon, because if a woman had a high desire grade level for Kyle here, she’d say “You’re so handsome, but you’re also a genius!  I love that about you.”

Pulling apart ladyjargon never requires a back story, because it almost always comes from the same place inside of women: their guilt over not liking someone enough, and their fear of hurting guys by being honest.  I’ve told women some harsh things in my life when I’ve turned them down, but I was honest.  Honesty is the key to a solid hawk-man.

The “you’re cute but you’re too smart” comes in a variety of terms.  I’ve heard men get “You’re cute but you’re so busy at work” or “I really like you and find you handsome but I think you’re into sports too much.”  There’s alway a but, and that but is their exit as to why it will not work now.  It also means it will never work.  There’s a SMALL chance that she actually used ladyjargon as a pathway to get your attention in hopes you’ll give chase, which I’ll detail at the end of this post.

When it comes to a woman saying you’re too good at something, it’s her showing you the cards she should keep closer to her chest, but doesn’t.  A man who is a genius or too smart is also a man who won’t act like a doormat for her.  Some women want submissive men, men they can walk all over, men they can treat like throwaways.  These women are also professional serial daters: they date men until the men are beaten into submission and ownership by the women, and then they throw them away.  They do it over and over.

Some of these women say for decades that they’re looking for Mr. Right, but by the time they hit their 30s they never change.  Soon they’re in their 40s and 50s, with dozens of men fallen along the path, out of time and money they used to present themselves as a show-wiping carpet outside of that woman’s door.

Can a man be too smart, or too driven to work, or too funny?  Can a man be too much of a smooth talker, or too busy with friends or have too much money?  No, he can’t.  When women lower their desire grade level to a man they’re dating, it’s always because he’s not intellectual enough, he’s not funny, he doesn’t focus on his career, he doesn’t know how to please her with his smooth conversation, he’s too available and has no other friends, or he’s always broke.

Kyle’s lady friend who told him he’s too smart should have said “Kyle, you’re so good looking, but you’ll never get on your knees and lick my boots.”  No, Kyle, you won’t.  Nor will you chase this one, because she obviously has something she needs from the men she’s going to walk all over, like all the men she’s walked all over before you.  Good job seeing her for what she meant!

There is still the other side: that she used confusing ladyjargon to try to bait you into chasing her.  If she’s attractive, and if she’s someone you’d like to get to know, I say at least get her phone number and give her a call in a week or so.  Ask her out (don’t spent more than 5-10 minutes on the phone).  If she brings up the “You’re too smart for me” ladyjargon, just tell her that you know you’re way too smart, but you also know you’re way too funny and you’re great company, and that’s why you’re asking her out on a date rather than any other women you met that night.  Let her take your bait, and then let her chase you.

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Three Facebook friends asked me basically the same question in the past week: they met women that they’re head-over-heels about (meaning the guys have an A+ desire grade level towards the woman) and they don’t know how to handle themselves.  In all 3 situations, the guys told the women they want to see them more, and the women all agreed.

But…

The women also said they want to take things slowly.  What does take things slow mean?  When a woman says something that you think might be ladyjargon (meaning you’re confused by her words), there’s an easy way to immediately decipher if it is: ask yourself if you’ve ever heard a woman say the opposite.  Have you ever dated a woman that said “Let’s take things quickly”?  Of course you haven’t.  That means “Let’s take things slowly” is ladyjargon of the worst sort.

A woman wanting to move slowly is saying that in response to something you’ve said or some action you’ve given that she knows you like her way more than she likes you.  That’s not a dealbreaker, though, you just need to turn the tables if it’s possible.  Once she knows you’re crazy about her, she’ll know that she’s beginning to have ownership over you.  I used to talk about dogs when this came up: women who want ownership buy a dog, and men who want women buy a dog.  We’re different creatures, men and women.

I need you to look back at your phone conversations, emails, text messages: what did you say (or do) that caused her to fear that you like her way too much, too soon?  What caused her to subconsciously feel ownership over you?  In words, you can blow your mystery by saying things like “I really like you” or “I can’t stop thinking about you.”  She doesn’t need to hear it, and she doesn’t want to hear it.  She wants to wonder if you do.  Women love the stress of wondering if a man likes her enough, it’s what sells make-up and push-up bras.  Stop saying that stuff, immediately.

In actions, a woman can subconsciously start ownership over a man just by knowing she can look at her phone or email inbox and see an unread message from him.  Here’s a little trick (as close to playing games as I get) to calm your heels: look at how long it takes her to respond to an email or text message from you, and then take 50% longer.  Did you write her a text message and she took 8 hours to respond?  Take 12 hours yourself.  Did you send an email reply immediately back and she didn’t write back for a day?  Take a day and a half when she writes.

My female friends pine about men who don’t respond instantly.  They go through these hilarious stories in their heads (“He likes someone better” or “He’s not thinking about me enough.”)  It sounds mean to let a woman fester there in her own worry, but guess what, guys?  Women love festering in stress and worry.  It causes them to be better women.  If a woman worries, she creates stories and situations in her head.  Maybe you’re also dating Jessica Alba.  When a woman has these unfounded stories in her head, her subconscious mind wants to erase them, so she will have her desire grade towards you skyrocket, she’ll start asking questions about you (which you will answer vaguely and turn the questions around on her), she’ll be more receptive to your initiated emails and texts.

Speaking of emails and texts, you shouldn’t be initiating them as often as you are.  If you’re initiating more than 49% of emails and texts, there’s another problem.  Let her show you her high desire grade when she texts you first, when she emails you first, a majority of the time you communicate.  If she’s not doing it at least 51% of the time, her desire grade level is below a B- and you have ZERO hope for recovery.

Finally, the death knell of what “taking things slow” means: she means she wants to move slower with you than with a guy she really likes.  She doesn’t want to lead you on because she’s guilty, but she’s also lonely so she doesn’t want to get rid of you.  She’ll take things just slow enough that you’ll stick around, but the minute a better guy shows up, she’ll replace the horse-and-carriage she’s riding with you with the space rocket she wants to ride with the new guy, the guy who brings mystery and worry to her mind.

It might be too late to turn her desire grade around, but it might not be.  Hold yourself back in the ways I detailed, and see if she comes around.  If she doesn’t, you’ve saved yourself months of pining and phone calls and dinners and nights you could be spending on a woman who is crazy about you.

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It’s important to get a grasp on the source of some ladyjargon: guilt.  I’ve spoken with hundreds of women about guilt, and most of the time guilt-inspired ladyjargon comes from an honest heart, not from a desire to hurt someone.  Socially it is very difficult for a woman to ask a man out, but it is even more difficult for a woman to tell a man she is not interested in him: now or ever.  Even if you’ve been dating a woman for months or years, when her desire grade level falls below a B- (the lowest point where the relationship can still have hope for a bright future), she’ll still keep a man around because her guilt won’t allow her to break up with him.

When you look at the economic truths of dating, you see that a woman with even a D-level desire grade will still keep a man around because what he offers her is still more valuable than the fear of her being single and alone.  It’s when someone new comes into her life then the final push to the F-level desire grade happens and her ability to overcome guilt sets in.  She finally overcomes that guilt and breaks up with the man.

When a woman tells you that she’s not looking for a relationship, it is almost always in response to something you asked of her.  This is a huge mistake: you shouldn’t be showing your cards and letting her know how much you desire her, not in words.  When you back  move to using words to describe your feelings, you end up giving her a lower desire grade because she knows she’s beginning to have ownership over you.  The most important step to prevent hearing she’s not looking for a relationship (with you) is to watch her signals and body language, monitor how often she initiates conversations through phone or email or text, and get a sense of judging what her desire grade is.

With some women I have dated recently I had to break things off with because they didn’t like me enough from the start, or my mystery was dispelled for them early on and their desire grades plummeted.  All were shocked when I said I was breaking off our relationship because of their low desire.  Most argued even, telling me I was wrong.  Months later though, when they were dating new men that they had an ultra-high desire grade for, they finally realized I was right in ending things.  It’s amazing at how much guilt can cause a woman to otherwise ignore the need to end things, which is why you have to follow the rules and monitor things regularly to make sure that she really does want you in her life.

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Women like to talk, they’ve been given the gift of gab.  Men like to brag, we’ve been given a trait that can easily dispel a woman’s mystery in us, thereby lowering her desire grade towards us to below the breaking point.  This is why it’s so important for a man to contain his own life’s details to a bare minimum, answering her own questions and prompts with as little information as possible while still turning her questions back to herself.  When a woman asks me a question, I always consider that question a form of projection: maybe she wants me to ask her the same question focused on her life.

You’d be surprised at how quickly a woman’s desire grade for you can skyrocket just by being curious about her life, her job, how her day was or how she wants tomorrow to be.  It’s easy to keep the focus on her just be picking up on details she offers in the stories she tells.  It takes practice, but once you’re familiar with how a woman likes to lead a conversation, you’ll be an expert in no time in listening to her talk about herself and watching the smile that always forms on her face when she does.

Maybe she’s telling you about her day at work; throughout her story you may pick up on tiny prompts she’ll offer: where did she go for lunch, does she usually have meetings like the one she had, what is her office or cubicle like?  Once her stories transition to the new tangent, you’ll get even more prompts there: what did she have for lunch, does she eat there often, if she could change the menu what would she change, etc.

When she takes a pause in talking about her own life, she may inquire into your life.  Here’s where most men fail.  If you answer the way you want to answer, you’ll be over-answering.  She’ll get a subconscious sense of “winning” because she was able to dig information out about you with no work at all.  There’s also a fine line between her getting easy information and her ears pounded about you through your bragging, which men tend to do subconsciously ourselves.  It’s important to back off from being too detailed about yourself.  If you feel the urge to give her strong details to answer her question, instead try to hold back and give the lightest details possible, and then turn your own detail facts into questions for her.

Maybe she asked you what your position is at your company.  Instead of saying “Executive Vice President of Human Resources” or “Head Manager of Weekend Baristas” how about saying “I’m in management, what position would you like to strive for at your company?”  You gave her the blandest of details (if she’s really interested, she’ll inquire further) and you gave her fodder for her to talk more about herself.

Over time, she’ll realize she doesn’t know a lot about you and might inquire more in the future, but her curiosity will skyrocket.  You’ll be a mystery she wants to unwrap and unravel.  If she attempts to unravel you in the future, just turn those questions around to her again and she’ll be satiated by you giving her opportunity to speak.  She’ll forget her questions and that wonderful smile will return.

One last thing to mention: you’re going to screw up before you become a master at conversation with a woman.  If you note this rule, though, you’ll know exactly when you screw up, and if you watch closely, you’ll actually see her desire grade drop when you do screw up.  It’s the best education a man can have, screwing up: when you know how to watch for the signals, you’ll see how important it is to act like the man that she really wants you to be, rather than the man you think she does.

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Let me ask you a few questions:

1. What is more romantic: saying “I love you” constantly, or catching the eyes of your lover and seeing them immediately smile and hold the glance?
2. What is sexier: going to bed and finding your woman rolled away facing the wall, or having her touch your body with an unrequested backrub or arm caress while watching a movie?
3. What makes you happier: an expensive gift on Christmas morning that you hinted at for months, or an unexpected stare followed by “Wow you’re really handsome?” when she sees you after a sweaty and frustrating day at work?

All those questions are simple to answer.  It’s not always actions and it’s not always words that are romantic, sexy and smile-inspiring.  It’s a combination of body language, words and context of both.

I won’t speak about romance too often because most guys have no clue what really is romantic.  They think a bouquet of flowers on Valentine’s Day is romantic, or saying “I love you” back to a woman repeatedly might be romantic.  In most cases, they wouldn’t know romance if it smacked them in the face.  They watch the same Hollywood movies, with their engineered soundtracks and their engineered plots, and they “feel good” at the romance on the screen.  Engineering romance doesn’t work, and neither do all the tricks that society pushes on us.  In the end, what someone truly feels inside is what is the most romantic.

Almost all men who date a woman more than 2 or 3 dates can figure out that the woman’s desire grade is high, at least a B.  Early on, all relationships have a little new relationship energy that makes us see past possible problems, hope for the next date, and think about the future.  After 3 dates, though, many relationships fall apart.  In all of these cases, I would put the blame squarely on the man.  He’s trying to speed up the relationship by acting romantically, and all he is doing is making the woman’s desire grade towards him plummet to cavernous levels.

Women play games in dating and love, most without knowing it.  The professional daters know their game, but the vast majority of amazing, attractive and responsible women have no clue.  It’s important for them to play these games subconsciously, because it helps them weed out the losers from the real men.  When the man moves forward to play their games, he’s adding himself to the loser list because he’ll be gone: whether it’s after date #2 or after 2 years of dating.

The game that women play is easy enough to understand: they either want to win by proving that their current guy is no different than the others, or they want to give up the game because they’ve found a man who continues to provide mystery, intrigue and chase for the woman.  That’s what women are missing in life: they want to wonder about their man, they want to be truly intrigued by his life (forever!) and they want to give a little chase to keep him happy.  Once a man shows a woman he’s satisfied with her, she’ll lose all 3 of these things.  Even worse, most men show they’re happy when the woman is doing nothing major to make him happy.  Women want to work hard for a man’s attention, but most men give up the moment they think they’ve in love.

Ownership is a simple word to define: the woman has the human equivalent of a puppy dog.  She’s hungry, he’ll fetch her food; she’s thirsty, he’ll bring her a drink; she’s bored, he’ll jump at the chance to come over and try to thrill her.  Maybe she’s dressed in her Saturday morning sweats with no makeup, unshowered for 2 days, and he’ll still paw at her like a dog in heat.  What’s the point of working hard if she owns that guy?  What’s the point of chasing if she’s already won?  The minute a new, interesting and mysterious man comes into her life, that D-level desire grade will fall to an F, and the guy will be flabbergasted at how he lost her.

It’s important for a man never to fall victim to a woman’s desire to own him.  It may take an entire lifelong relationship for him to prove to her that he’s still an individual, still mysterious and still intriguing to her, but it’s a lifelong relationship that will be full of chase, a high desire grade, and romance.  When a woman isn’t assured that she owns the man, she’ll act it out by actually doing things to attract him: she’ll dress better, spend time doing her hair and makeup every time he comes over, and push him with questions about what he’s been up to, who he’s been with, and what does he want.  This isn’t a game men play consciously, it’s a game women play subconsciously because if they don’t own you, they’re thinking of ways to get there.

That’s why keeping up with my rules is a lifelong task, even if you meet “the one” tomorrow and stay with her until you’re in your 90s.  The entire time you’re together, you want a beautiful woman who takes care of herself, provides you with your needs, pays attention to your life, and wants to actually be with you rather than just suffer through another month until another interesting man comes along, right?  You’re not going to get it if she knows she owns you.

Ignore your definition of romance; ignore your idea of what is romantic.  When you have a great woman, keep her interested by not divulging every single moment of your life to her, past or present.  Keep your life mysterious by downplaying your day, and focusing on hers.  Keep your intrigue up by staying out of her hair whenever she calls on you.

When you do make the time to see her, on your terms, that’s romance.  She knows you’re a busy guy, with friends and work and hobbies.  You’re making time to see her because you like her.  Distance makes the heart grow fonder, so keep yourself distant with real plans, and when you see her, it’ll be worth that much more to her.

When you are actually with her, your focus on her is what’s important, that’s romance.  You’re not checking your watch or your cell phone (keep both in the car).  Your eyes on on her, not on the gorgeous waitress who is flirting with you for a bigger tip.  Your conversations turn to her life, her goals, her dreams, what makes her happy.   If the conversation happenst to turn to you, you gently and discretely spin it back to focus on her.

When it comes to more physical intimacies, you approach her with your mouth, but she’s the one who sets the pace.  That’s romance.  You have no expectations, regardless of how many articles of clothing hit the floor.  Her eyes see your eyes.  Her hands feel your hands.  Her body feels your body, that’s romance.

Romance is not the gifts you buy, or the words you speak, or the plans you make, or the dinners you buy.  It’s not about you giving chase, or the compliments you give.  Romance doesn’t come out of your mouth, really.  It doesn’t come from your wallet.  It’s not about what you’re giving her always, but what you’re giving her that she desires from you.  The only way to get her to desire anything is to get her to think about you more often when you’re not around.

Most guys kill romance by being too available.  Even in marriage, their wives can count on them to be home at 5pm, with no plans outside of the home.  They’re bored.  There’s no mystery, nothing to wonder about.  That’s the key to romance, really: giving her all the actions that verify you love her without just doing things out of habit, or because you feel like you have to, or by using words to replace the actual actions that come more rarely than you’d read about in a romance novel.

Romance is not about satiating someone, it’s about providing something that isn’t obvious 24/7.  The moment she knows you’re thinking about her 24/7, she owns you.  Once she owns you, there’s no romance needed.  She’s won, even if in reality she’s lost.

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Other women who have read my various books and blogs on this very subject will say the same thing: I’m teaching guys to play games.  Again, they’re wrong.  This is never about playing games, it’s about fulfilling what solid women want but will never consciously tell us guys.  It is rarely the man who initiates gameplay or provides tactics that keep a woman’s desire level high.  Women often times use their own doublespeak, or ladyjargon, that confuse us and make us stumble.  Subconsciously, women are the ones playing games, and they do so in order to win the game they’ve initiated by accepting our first date request.

I’ve been in relationships as a hawk where things were solid for months or even longer, but the moment I slipped up and accepted ladyjargon at its face value, I lost.  Her desire level plummeted immediately.  Subconsciously, she knew she won, and there was no point in continuing to chase me and stroke my ego and show me that she wanted me in her life.  That’s why I hit the road, that’s when I’m out.

Because ladyjargon is verbalized through subconscious action on the part of a woman, it is very important for a man not to fall victim to any of it, from the most common ladyjargon (“I wish more guys were like you”) to the rare outbursts of insanity (“I’m sad today”).  Preparing yourself for these games ahead of time by being confident in your action and your own desires is what keeps you from getting hurt and heartbroken when a woman says one thing, but then acts the complete opposite way if you follow her verbal advice.

There’s only one way to know if a woman’s desire level for you is strong: she shows it in action, never in words.  In order to keep that desire level high, we have to resort to the opposite of her game playing tactics, we have to defend ourselves by helping keep her desire level high.  Follow this advice and you’ll have one of two outcomes: she’ll want you in her life and actively show it in action, or she’ll show her true colors when her actions don’t match up to her ladyjargon.  If it’s the second case, consider yourself lucky when you tell her you’re out.

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